haha i've lost my mind.

mr. obama, you're worth 16,000 won to me.

apparently there's some problem with the post office systems and/or machines in america that are causing mind-boggling delays. (which may be why you haven't received mail from me!)

conservative conspiracy to cripple democrats abroad much!!?!?!?

as much as i hate to admit it, i ACTUALLY did have that thought for a split second.

the end of the grading period is making me craaaazzzzzyyyyyy!!!

my boyfriend is cool

his screenplay is about legless armless baby monkeys raised by japanese families.

it wasn't his idea, but the producer offered him what will amount to my whole year's salary for two weeks' work.

m-k's not so into the whole pathetic disabled monkeys thing, but they gave him the 1970s japanese bestseller that he's supposed to adapt. 

and they already made the animatronic freaky-looking monkey - i saw it!

all they told him was "think E.T."

he was like

"how is this a story!?! no action, no danger, just 'aw, they love each other. see?' what is going to happen. two bad men chase monkey and boy? monkey goes 'ahhhhh!!' and then they fly off cliff on bicycle??? what bad things can happen to monkey and family in love??"

"kill the monkey,"

i said.

i'm too sexy for my yogurt

today was deliciously cold

and the streets of seoul were fairly deserted under a blowy gray sky.

i ventured to apgujeong, the ritzy part of town

and i was intimidated a bit

because i heard of all the beverly hills plastic surgery and $40 a plate lunches for pet poodles.

but it wasn't like that at all.

i strolled through humble alleys with low buildings housing fancy scary designers.

but the streets themselves were friendly and i ate a really expensive blueberry pancake that was the fanciest blueberry pancake of my LIFE. i mean it was plated like it was freaking foie gras (i don't know how to spell) with truffle sauce!

then! i rode over to the bookstore with a foreign section and i bought (too many) books

and while eating yogurt in the fancy food court,

i became a model.

AHAHAHAHA

i'm white! and blonde! =>  model in korea!

i have my little job next weekend

and i don't really know what it's for but i think the photographer's an art student or something because i was told i'm getting paid in meals instead of korean won, haha.

now, i'm eating sushi and drinking orange juice in bed and watching a woody allen movie i got  with my brand new $1/vhs(!!!!) video store membership!

i have a vhs player built into my tv.

it's cool.

and all my little flies are dead!

and m-k made me a really fancy traditional korean breakfast today!

what a grrrrrrrrrreeeeeat day!

things i been doin...longer post than intended!! ahhhh!

1. i dyed my hair using $5 korean hair dye that came in a box featuring a girl with orange hair. i couldn't read the instructions and when i mixed the two bottles, the applicating goop was RED. but i was right on everything! it worked! light blonde! and my scalp feels ok! not burny or itchy or anything, so no impending hair loss! I AM DIY HAIR GENIUS. ::applause::

2. i realized that every time i get sick for two intense cold symptomy days, i have taken a long bike ride the day before. POLLUTION!!! i need a mask!

3. my bike ride was epic in all senses. i rode through multicolored fields at sunset, mere feet away from happy cows and chickens. and the smells! it felt like fall in the best possible sense. and there were mountains all around. on the ride back, i went down streets and i passed FOUR subway stops and i found a reeeeally cool department store (11 stories) that's all just a huge really fancy outlet! woopwooo! i had no idea where i was going and it was fantastic.

4. i've really been enjoying teaching lately! the kids and i are getting a sweet repoire down. and i saw two girls i taught over a month ago who got switched to another teacher and they said, "ah, teacher! come baaaaaack! we miss youuuu! we like you better!" which i know i shouldn't feel happy about but i do since i sometimes worry that i'm not a good teacher compared to my coworkers and i was even kind of mean to that class - it was one of my most dreaded!

5. last night, i caught up with my old friend (let's call him "joe") over aim and upon telling him about my life here, he compared my boyfriend and me to both hitler and charlie manson (after joe kept going on about how terrible my relationship was, i said "all you need is love" to be snarky and he said, "charles manson might of (sic) said that." um, nah, pretty sure it wasjohn lennon :)) 

but joe said that my morals fell out of the plane on my way to korea. he said the age difference was perverted and i was being manipulated and used but also being immoral and it was like joe dating a 13-year-old. well, not exactly, i said, because of the whole age of consent thing, but no biggee! 

and another thing! how could i possibly think i was on the same intellectual level as my older man? well, joe, i like our conversations! i could date someone my age who was dumber or smarter than me - that's not what this is about. on the life experiences level, yes, obviously, we are different. but i like hearing his stories and i think he likes telling them (and of course i have a few of my own to share!) and he's not a needy crazy teenage boy who's insecure and doesn't know what he wants - he knows what he wants and he goes for it and succeeds and that truly inspires me! 

i also like how our differences  complement each other - the passion and freewheelin crazy of youth set off by the even-tempered mellowness and prudence of age. he gets a sense of vitality from me and i get a sense of calm from him. and we just like each other as people! i get what he's saying - we're kindred spirits and age ain't no thang when you feel a connection and you think the same things are funny and the same things are sad and the same things are beautiful. 

but joe thinks i'm deluding myself. and ALSO that i am wasting my life. that it's just so sad to see that i've given up. that i've squandered my potential in deciding to do something comfortable. yeah, living in a foreign country where you don't speak the language and know absolutely no one, teach 11 classes, and are involved in a socially frowned upon romance - a reeeeeeal walk down easy street!

an example transcript i have not edited lies here below for your reading enjoyment! joe comments on the creepiness of the but-he-could-be-your-dad(!) phenomenon. well, my dad's not a korean man, and my bf would have been quite a young father, but i understand the point. no one ever thinks it's creepy to date someone who could be your brother!! megan even MARRIED a boy with her bro's name! no one calls THAT creepy! haha. because that would be ridiculousss. anyway! please enjoy!

joe: dedepis much?
claire: dedepis?
joe: edepis
claire: [i was thinking, first of all it's OEDIPUS, you tard. don't use references you can't spell!]
it's electra for girls
joe:its hitler for the jews
claire:???
joe: how cares if its wrong... as long as you and another believe in it
claire: hahahahaha
oh my. you're comparing me dating an older guy to the holocaust?
joe: ignorance has no bounds

whattttt!?!?!

i was so hurt and confused, even though i know he's being crazy, that i couldn't fall asleep. he just threw so much venom at me, i was really taken aback. i know some people might not understand my choices, and sometimes even i don't(!), but right now, i feel happy and healthy and i've got both my eyes open. so if you're a silent critic who's keeping your mouth shut out of politeness, please trust me! i know what i'm doing...kind of. and so what if i don't! i'd rather try something and make a mistake than be too scared to move.

thanks thanks thanks so much to everyone who has been supportive,

who has made me feel proud of challenging myself, unafraid of taking risks, and confident enough in my heart and spirit to take unconventional paths.

it means so much that i have people rooting for me back home, people who have faith in me!

ugh, i got kind of choked up when we watched "arthur" in class today.

the SONG!

the opening song totally sums up a big part of my life philosophy right now!

what a nice message after tons of disney movie socially dubious themes about gender and class and age and race (if you're pretty and white and young and poor, you can marry a hot young white guy who's super rich! and then you'll be happy!)

arthur is love.

i want to make a kids' show like arthur...but with puppets or claymation or something! and new wave keyboard-driven songs! please listen to what arthur has to tell us about life in the clip below.

the drank

something about drankin makes korean boiz act skeezy

por ejemplo:

at a street corner:

korean boy: "hi, how are you?"

me: "ok..."

"where are you going?"

"home"

"you want to drink?"

"i already drank a lot tonight"

"where are you from?"

"america"

"i lived in america for two years"

" oh, really? where?"

"new york"

"oh. cool."

"what is your number. i am interested."

"oh, i have a boyfriend."

"yeah, i have a girlfriend too. i don't care."

"well. i do. ok, bye!"

i used to think korean guys were sweeter but now i think some are as capable of ickiness as creepsters in america, most are just too shy until they get a few drinks in them. 

ew.

i hate when guys act like this.

does this ever actually work!?!?

"i'm so sorry but i love you, it's all lies"

the korean boy band hip hop phenomenon.
i theenk is some strangey.

all my students freaking LOVE big bang.
the girls think they're hot
and the boys think they're cool.

rock is out, hip hop is in.

m-k said only old people like rock now.
women who like rock are NOT HOTTIES and almost always old.
hmmm, maybe old as in like 40-something!? *COUGH*
this anti-rock statement sparked some debate.
haha.

i still don't understand.
i hope he was thinking rock like creed or evanescence, not rock like vampire weekend or CSS.

is rock really dead!?!?!
was it ever even alive here?
does m-k know what he's talking about at all!?
is rock gonna die in the u.s.????

PANIC.

looooong day

i got put on first class and last class on the new schedule.

i end at 10:15

i just saw a teenage girl wearing a sandwich board

in the kind of hip party/restaurant zone near my house

and o! did she look totally, completely, and utterly miserable.

she looked SOOOO unhappy that i laughed a little, but she didn't notice because she was not gonna look up from her scuffed converses for anything.

i got my first random response to a blog.

it kind of freaked me out, but i knew it was inevitable.

but to the poster, if he's still out there,

my culture shock is about the foreigner culture more than the korean culture!

my woes are generally more fellow foreigner-related

because i feel like i should understand them and sometimes i just totally don't.

i haven't been culture shocked by much here.

in fact, i really feel comfortable with the korean culture i've been exposed to so far.

i know it's only a glimpse into a window of korean life, but i haven't really been freaked out or disgusted or repulsed by anything! quite the opposite!

the only thing i have a hard time with sometimes 

are korean ideas about gender and sexuality.

like that most women (and men) shower both immediately before and after sex because not only is the body naturally dirty and smelly and gross, but sex is dirty and shameful as well.

also, a few days ago i learned about "bamboo wives."

a shape and size somewhat like a woman, a man will wrap around the bamboo wife in the summer while his actual wife lies off on the edge of the bed. snugglin with the bamboo wife keeps him cooler than spooning with his real wife.

while not really in fashion now with the younger generation, people still use bamboo wives and you can get them easily, like at the korean equivalent of target. 

i'm cool with most culture difference and i respect them even when they seem a bit extreme - like the obsession with appearance, the needs for intense privacy and saving face, and the countless other generally conservative values. for example, no one kisses in public, so i don't try to give my boy a peck goodbye or anything even though a handclasp seems oddly formal. no biggee. i try to mostly adapt to the korean way of doing things. and it's really not a hardship or anything - i'm basically a guest in this country and i want to be respectful. and anyway, it's all part of the experience. i'm not the kind of girl who ever turns her nose up at something because it's different.

BUT, 

some things about gender relations do bother me, but i just don't have to really be a part of that. i don't have to ask my boyfriend to buy me designer clothes and i don't have to put on a weird spoiled little girl act for his ever-patronizing sake. no thanks. i'm so glad i'm dating a weirdo liberally-minded korean. 

yay!

teacher! superlame!!!

i feel so superlame tonight.

i just got back from work and it's friday at midnight.

super

lame.

and i'm 95% sure i won't be going anywhere tonight.

it's one thing to feel superlame on a weeknight 

but quite another to feel superlame on a friday night!

the fact is, in one form or another, i have felt superlame on a pretty much constant basis since arriving in korea.

i miss feeling supercool, even if it was a delusion just as feeling superlame probably is 

RIGHT NOW.

i miss having other people to share superlame friday nights with -

saying,

"man, i'm really freaking tired from this hellweek but i need to blow off some steam and relax and i want to do this with other people, but not in a crazy binge-drinking ear-splitting unwanted booty-grabbing atmosphere. wanna get a movie and drink wine and buy or make movie snacks with me?"

i miss those friends.

well, more than that maybe, i miss having a crew.

i mean, it took a long time to feel like i belonged in a crew,

but i did.

i was part of something.

even if that something made me sad or upset or frustrated sometimes.

i was part of a group of kindred spirits who taught me cool things and inspired me and made me get excited or get angry or get happy or anything! or everything!

i don't want to come off as all snotty, but i just can't seem to find any kind of group or people who get me or who i get. 

there's just no clicking beyond the individual level SOMETIMES.

i hope this doesn't sound like i feel sorry for myself.

i'm still glad i'm here.

and i have met some people who i already feel great individual connections with.

i'm just frustrated that i can't find any kind of alternative scene? 

i know how that sounds -

but it's not like that!

it's about wanting to be with other people who would rather play music or sweet records while drinking a lot

than being with people who would go to a gross bar where people are screaming and guys are strutting and girls are preening while drinking a lot.

to be honest, i think i could find that place if only i spoke korean.

i feel like i'm a gay 14-year-old boy in small town arkansas.

except the small town here is the foreigner population.

the gay boy has friends but just still feels so lonely.

he should be in san francisco or new york.

but the time in arkansas is good for him!

(p.s. seoul is AWESOME and i don't know about arkansas, but obvi it's not a perfect analogy!)

i'm ok, i'm just getting a little "arghhhh"y!

oh me oh my

my ten-person middle school class was down to two today due to exams

and the ONLY two left were the aforementioned kings of middle school flirt.

it was a little ridiculous.

example:

"24/7 i am looooving you! 24/7 thinking of youuuuu!"

(the kid was literally singing pop songs to me)

"teacher, why don't we meet, and i can teach you korean. hey teacher, i hope to go to america. you will invite me, yes? here's my phone number." (i didn't take it, haha.)

these fourteen-year-olds are serious charmers though in their preppy school uniforms

and devilish little grins. 

 i couldn't help but laugh and smile when it was just those two upping the ante during their nearly private lesson.

i know they just want to have fun and distract me - i think that's the ultimate mission of the student-to-teacher bizarro flirting - but we did finish all our work even though neither had done ANY of the homework. 

i hope this doesn't make me sound like a creeper -

i'm not lusting after adolescents or anything -

i just kind of get a kick out of it even though i know i probably shouldn't.

in other news, i'm gonna record some songz!

i don't know what to do with these little people sometimes

today a boy in my fifth grade class said, 

"teacher, brian said you are fat. you are like pig. fat pig."

in the next class, one of my seventh grade students said, 

"teacher, you are very pretty. yes."

i know they're just messing with me and/or sucking up, 

but i really don't know how to respond when they act like this, 

either when they diss or compliment the way i look.

i don't want to encourage it, so i try not to act upset or flattered.

i'm just like "...thanks. ok! page 84!"

but the elementary school meanness has started to get to me 

and the middle school flirting has started to make me uncomfortable.

it's such a weird area - it's not like i can punish them for anything personal, that would just make it even more awkward.

dress code blues

thanks to my one coworker wearing a tube top mini dress and platform heeled sandals yesterday,

we now have specific rules

all of which i'm ok with except that little after-thought #5:

"all skirts, dresses, and shorts must be knee-length or longer"

i was wearing longish nice shorts over heavy tights with nice flats and a sweater!

you're telling me that's a no-no now?

the little boys will get "confused"?

i think not!

my skirts etc always hit well past the ends of my hands,

which was the strictest test i knew before.

i mean i would understand if it weren't a jean and t-shirt kind of place.

ugh, it's just annoying because i already have such a limited wardrobe and now four of my workin staples are out the window.

and i'm the only one who wears tights with skirts, which i think is decidedly more modest than bare skin. i even heard jay say something about a tights clause and then a korean teacher shot him down with some "leggings as pants!" comment.

i know how to do it right, just let me do my thannnng!

too many pictures

this weekend i went to sokcho with myeong-kwan

and it was really really really fun/beautiful!

it was a little stormy but in a quite gorgeous way.

not only does sokcho have the beach, but it's also 

home to the tallest mountain in south korea - soraksan.

we had a lot of adventures!

here is some photo documentation!

he has pictures of me, so maybe i will post a good one of those laterrrrrr.

first(!) here is the fish market at night.

myeong-kwan picked out the fish we would eat raw

and i had a mini vegetarian heart attack and had to look away as my dinner was 

flopping around mere minutes and feet from its destination in my belly. 

the things on the lines are little squids.

dinner! yumyum

that dude's fishing out someone else's dinner.

i mean the slaughtered fish WAS really delicious. the best fish i've ever had!

strangely enough, driving through the countryside made me think of california??

i miss you, calirelatives!

we hiked a bit up the mountain and there were soooo many people there!

they even have restaurants on the mountain! 

it felt kind of fake, like a disney version of a mountain 

and they even sold silly things like giant plastic backscratchers and mylar balloons.

i think i liked it because it was so different from what i'm used to with national parks.

myeong-kwan said he thought all the shops and restaurants were ridiculous 

and polluted the fresh spring water 

and made the mountain too crowded and unnatural,

which i think is definitely true

buuuuuuut i kind of liked the novelty of having a cafe on the side of a mountain with the 

smells of hot oil frying onions and garlic and chilis,

even if it is weird and makes you feel like you're at an amusement park more than on the biggest mountain in korea.

this is the largest buddha in korea. it was made in the '80s!? there are a loooot of buddhist temples in this area and myeong-kwan even stayed at one for a winter as part of an artist residency program.

that's mah boiiiiii. 

he just got a nicer camera and so was kind of like 

my male version of sewon during this trip.

oddly enough, talking to him sometimes feels like talking to sewon.

he says half his heart is in korea and half is in france,

so maybe that part eastern and part western consciousness has something to do with the amazing talks i have with those two.  

a mommy and a daughter.

a looooot of people chillin, playin, flirtin, snackin and photo-takin!

ok ok ok here's a real photo. he's more handsome in real life, but i had to be sneaky with the photo-taking and so i got this pre-laugh picture that i think is pretty charming. i like him because, like me, he's a bit of a hater (haha, i mean not entirely negative, but a bit critical of some parts of society etc.) but he's also always seconds away from busting out laughing. plus, i like that in this picture he looks more touristy than i did even though he's been to this mountain tons of times. 

the sea before we made the five-hour drive back.

i know i've been a bit silent on the romance front, but i had felt a bit weird sharing that, especially when i wasn't sure where it was headed. 

truly, though, we've been spending a lot of time together, 

and myeong-kwan and i had the bf-gf talk and we are officially bf-gfs.

it was kind of a silly talk that included,

"what do i say? i am not a boy. am i 'manfriend?' are you my womanfriend?"

in korean,

i would call him "manfriend" but also "opa," which literally translates to "older brother."

he said he doesn't like "opa", because to him, it has always had weird gender relation implications like that the man's a provider and the woman whines a lot and asks him to buy her gucci handbags and he treats her like a little spoiled child and she has no independence.

yeah. i don't want that either.

and i'm totally cool with NOT saying "oh, big brother, you're the best!" before a nice kiss.

i've learned infinitely more from dating a korean for a month than i had just living in korea for over twice that time.

all practicalities aside, 

(like having an amazing langauge, culture, and tour guide and free meals, haha),

i really dig him! he's all i ever wanted 

- smart, funny, caring, adventurous, patient, 

searching and exploring, generous in heart and spirit - 

and more!

oh, man, and his laugh, the easy way he moves, the little happy crinkles around his eyes!

and i swear, hearing him speak korean makes me go totally weak in the knees 

(which i think he finds really surprising and hilarious but is so true!) 

the man has a beautiful voice and his speech is like music!

i never expected to feel this way, 

but i'm kind of fallin for him, and vice versa as well!

oh man, i'm in troooouuuuubleeeeeee!