confused ennui

i'm feeling this kind of unsettled creeping bad feeling all the time lately

just like a small gnawing sadness

like it's 10 pm and i haven't eaten dinner kind of pang

i think i'm homesick

and this time it's not because i'm all alone or because i feel helpless and retarded (as it was before)

it's because none of my connections here are real or full or blooming in any way.

i like the comfort of knowing people have my back or that i have someone else's place to drop by and to just be able to BE with them.

here, everything is so forced.

i keep spending time with people,

but i'm TRYING SO HARD

and i'm kind of sick of having to work at friendships like this

and since i'm new, i'm the one doing ALL THE WORK with everyone

which kind of makes me feel annoying

i just get so tired

like i'm pretty sure no one's going to ask me to do something tomorrow night,

I AM GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE THE EFFORT IF I WANT TO LEAVE MY APARTMENT

i just want to feel like someone wants to be MY friend!

i want to feel cared for and interesting and all those good things you get and give from and to friends

now i just have to tell funny little stories, ask a lot of questions about other people, and wait?

i think i just don't want to wait wait wait the required time it takes for a friendship to really blossom

i want some soul clickin

whirlwind friendships!

friend love!

i just hadn't really thought about what it would be like to have no roots.

i've never not had roots!

i've never REALLY moved before!

and college doesn't count because there were always people i had known before.

here, no one knows me.

i thought it would be liberating, but it's just hard.

and it makes ME not even know who i am.

parents, don't worry, buuuuut

there are a lot of cicadas here

and boys with nets rampaging around the town.

last night i met up with this girl i met on couchsurfing.com

and she and her friend played some cool music for me

(she has a ukulele, guitar, autoharp, and accordian!)

and then we all jammed and ate some delicious korean sushi (which is always like $2!)

i decided to go home 

it's 1 am

and i'm a block away from my house

i run into my sightseeing friend mike and his friend at a crosswalk

and they basically grab me and force me to turn around and go back out with them!

ok, not really!

i'm really really bad at turning down fun for the sake of sleep.

and i actually felt really alert today! really!

i drank one beer

these boys had already drunk many beers

the friend guy, nate, ends up sleeping on my floor ahhhhhh

he says, "oh it's ok, benches are fine, i'll just take the subway into seoul in the morning..."

oh come ON!

what would you do if it was your floor or a freakin bench!

who would feel responsible if he got knifed or robbed or peed on?

ME!

arghhhhhhh, what a crazy night!

i'm really grateful for my crazy nights though!

generally, things are pretty boring around chez claire at night.

two nights ago it was laundry and a DVD.

see what i mean?

i just have GOT to write about this before i forget!

walkin around lake park

i hear music?

it's beautiful!

maybe a live concert!?

NO IT'S A GIANT OUTDOORS AEROBICS CLASS!!!

i think i walked into it right as it was beginning

200 or more people in this eerie musical-like synchronized dance

i was the most delighted i've been in a long time.

and it was actually kind of a good workout!

think about dancin really hard for an hour...

old people young people little kids dogs

everyone out there together sweating under the moon

the bright city lights towering in skyscrapers above like thousands of little stars

love love love

i think i'm in love with emily fuhrman.

when i got her letter in the mail i really and actually wooped

and raised my arms above my head a la rocky.

who puts sprigs of lavendar from cambridge in their beautiful cards?

emily fuhrman does, that's who.

and she used the "bad" address and it still got here!!!

today was such a hard day too

i had weird insomnia and only slept for an hour

and then i had to teach seven classes

(which actually were quite fun and the kids' insane happy energy lifted me out of my post semi-all-nighter funk.)

but i was already exhausted from my crazy touristy day yesterday!

sunday afternoon, i met up with mike (boy with the girlfriend)

and i'm really glad i didn't just write him off as a creeper and that i wasn't too awkward to ever meet up again.

we hung out all day in a really fun dawg way

and he really fixed my jones for my boys back home.

(i really miss my boy friends! arthur! will! allen! nathan! david! crob and bm et al! i miss hangin!!)

just having someone make fun of me 

and laughing a lot feels so happy and comfortable and good!

his girlfriend is coming to live here in a few months 

so maybe she and i will get to be friends too!

we went to the fancy old palace

(i will later post silly pictures)

did you know:

doctors would smell the emperor's poo when he was sick to make a diagnosis?

if it was tricky, they would EAT it!!

everyone in the english tour group was trying to be culturally sensitive and not EWWWW

which was kind of funny to see

people's restrained EW BARF reactions

then mike and i went to itaewon, the foreigner district near a U.S. military base

and it was insane and smelly and kind of scary and people kept grabbing at him (but not me?) and trying to get him to buy things.

but we found a cool used english bookstore

and since i only have two books

and he was an english teacher/major back in the states

we were like YAYAYAYAYAY WOOOO BOOKS WE CAN READ!

and they weren't even $20 (American books get marked wayyy up)! they were $5!!

and we went to subway

which dude was maybe a little too excited about -

like kind of losing his mind excited.

...but i sort of was too.

it sounds so lame, but it's nice to eat familiar food that's just EASY every once in awhile and doesn't leave you with a burning mouth and stomach.

(oh, but i ate this street food kiwi smoothie and i literally got weak in the knees. it was maybe the most satisfying drink of my life! and it was only $1!!)

after the long subway ride back to our 'hood, we walked around lake park at night with all the speedwalking grannies and drunk teenage boys.

we were seriously walking champs.

and he eventually got walk-tired (even though he RUNS!?!)

but it was nice to be around another foreigner who doesn't always want to take a taxi?

i don't understand how i'm totally unfit but i can walk and walk like no one's business!

and people who ACTUALLY work out get tired! i think i should become a pro walker.

but also: i've already lost seven pounds here without trying at all!

the walking / scary korean food plan! wooooo!

anyway, sightseeing is good, friends are good, school is good, kids are good, and letters are AMAZING!! 

emily, you made my day!

crankypantz

katy brought her neighbor, who i met last night, to go to hongdae with us.

we started walking to the subway station

and i was dying

dying

i just was like "...um....i don't know if i can make it...tonight"

as in, like, i don't know if i will survive

but they didn't want to go either!

i still felt like a real partypooper

we ate noodles and i felt a little better

i don't think i like the neighbor guy, matt

but i've never known a matt who wasn't bad news

this matt talks too loud

and brags

and lumbers

and picks at his teeth with chopsticks

and isn't funny but thinks he is

but maybe i just don't like him

because being around him made me feel like i was gonna toss my kimchi

on the walk back from the noodle place he goes:

"koreans think their hair will fall out if it gets rained on"

at this point, i was so annoyed that i was just like

"no! I don't believe you!"

"oh but koreans will believe anything."

"no way"

"your hair won't fall out"

"yeah, i know. i just don't believe that they all really think that"

"well, not all of them...i mean, i was just SAYING"

and then he pouts!

i hate calling people out on their ignorant bullshit

i always feel petty and mean after

but sometimes the temptation is TOO GREAT!

i must restrain myself.

my social skills are just so rusty.

i have conversations like

"hey...so! what's up? what's....happening?"

and when people compliment me, i laugh

i have lost all social graces

anyway!

all i could think as matt talked and talked was

"this is why koreans think americans are clumsy and loud and gross"

i basically felt like an asshole the whole time because he was actually nice 

and there i was hating on him even as he dished out helpful ilsan tips!

he just had such an offputting presence!

and so i hated him even more because i resented that he made me feel guilty for hating him.

get it?

the drank

so sleepy so thirsty so stumbly so smelly so sticky so noisy

so fun!

actually, 

i don't know if i can keep partyin like i have been the last two fridays.

i don't understand how the koreans do it!

they drink so much and are ready to go again the next night!

every day!

i just want to sit in the dark

quiet

coolness

maybe a korean romantic comedy tonight?

but katy and i are going OUT to hongdae, partycentral!

i'm not cut out for this!

it doesn't help that i stayed at work til 1 am thursday night.

the kids have little writings and sometimes it's so hard to even understand what they're trying to say, let alone edit and grade their work.

but they do use some awesome phrases.

my favorite:

"The final lasting power! I success!"

and they draw facial expressions in their dialogue, kind of like emoticons?

teaching is coooooooooool.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!

   

myfirst day was fun, but tiring! the kids are so cute, mostly around 10ish, and you can definitely see their little personalities shine through in the photos i took to match names to faces.

this one below is a pain in my butt already(!) but in a pretty benevolent way i guess:

these ones below are total sweethearts. the boy's one of the "good ones" who's not constantly trying to trick me.

yay! they're cuuuute! ...sorry if the layout is all weird - i'm still figuring out the NOT USER-FRIENDLY blogspot tools.

ughhhh

i'm so nervous!

i teach five classes tomorrow!

i went in today to get all my teachery materials and it's so overwhelming -

not only teaching five classes in one day

but also keeping straight all the previous teachers' systems.

arghhhhh!!

also, i found out that boy has a gf back home...from my coworker.

in spending around 8+ hours together you'd think he would have mentioned this?

i feel silly because nothing happened but i don't like being played with!

don't touch my back, don't touch my arm, don't sit close to me, don't kiss me on the cheek, don't ask my friend "where'd you find this one?" while grinning big, and don't say "i mean, i know it's only been two times, but i really like spending time with you!" 

and don't don't don't tell me to call you so we can hang out again next weekend since you have to leave to "make some skype calls." like maybe to your GIRL FRIEND!?

i'm cool with being friends with boys!

i really like my boy friends!

but don't make me look like an idiot!

i feel like a fooooool.

now i need to learn two languages -

korean and BOY.

i don't get boys!

boys, what's going on here!?

anyway, it's not that big of a deal.

i just needed a place to let out some of that anxiety/embarassment/upset.

really, things are going pretty good!

last night

i felt kind of restless,

so i went for a walk.

just a peaceful walk to lake park at 10 pm

where it would be quiet and nice and calm

and would make me sleepy.

too bad there were hundreds and hundreds of koreans

POWER-WALKING down the lanes!

i kept getting buzzed!

i guess this is the time when they can be outside without tanning?

that precious pale skin ain't worth it!

anyway, that was a disappointment, so i just bought some korean plum wine

and wandered around the (very safe) city streets (taking advantage of the newly discovered absence of an open container law!)

i got back TWO hours later and felt really satisfied and happy

(shhhh! it wasn't the wine! i only drank a few sips!)

and then i slept like a baby!

..only to be awoken in the middle of the night

by tanya and some other korean ladies quietly yet insistently knocking on my door.

they have a HUGE bookcase that matches all the furniture in my apartment.

tanya: oh! hi! sorry to wake you! it was my idea! blame me! hahah! we're pretty drunk! *hugs me*

me: oh, haha, it's fine! thank you! it's so nice! wow, what time is it?

tanya: oh, 4:30! sorry, sorrry! *hugs me*

me: no no! it's ok! i love it!

tanya: ok, bye! see you at work on wednesday!

i love this lady! she's married and still out partyin all night!

it's funny because that's actually not uncommon in korea at all.

the drinking culture is CRAZY, but everyone seems to be very polite and civilized when drunk.

i never see anyone fighting or harassing ladies or passing out in gutters!

they just bring their new friends furniture!

and marriage does not mean "settling down" like it does in the west, the end to your crazy party days or a petering off of friendships

also, yesterday i saw a group of about twenty old people scraping gum off the concrete at la festa while a boss man barked orders!

korea is so crazy!

duuuuuuuuuuuuuude

(this i wrote yesterday before my internet died and wouldn't let me publish!)

today suckkkkked.

i decided to take the lonely planet walking tour of seoul that includes art museums.

lonely planet did NOT include the fact that they're CLOSED on mondays.

so i decided to go to this cool traditional artsy/craftsy area instead

and got really lost

and even though a cute korean couple walked me to it,

i don't think the alleyway was really the insa-dong i was looking for.

so my first solo seoul (haha, get itttt?) trip was a bust and it was basically five hours wasted

and i was just really tired and sweaty and annoyed and hungry and lonely.

it ain't called "lonely planet" fo nothin!

when i finally sat down to eat, i think my food had ham in it

but i decided it miiiiiight be crabmeat

so i ate it anyway.

i'm still sweaty and annoyed.

i got a 40 though, so it's cool.

jkjkjkjkjk. but seriously,

i bought a 40 and a small coffee drink at the mart and it was $9!!!

what!!

and they didn't have trash bags!

whatttttt!!!

hi guys!

i have my real mailing address now!

i would feel weird posting an address on a blog, but the security system here is tiiiiiiight.

potential e-stalkers beware!

(speaking of stalkers, i ran into the church girls when i was walking around western dom, a kind of shopping area today. there were four of them and they surrounded me in a circle of umbrellas! i was dirty and tired and wet and definitely not as nice this time!)

anywayyyyy

here is is!

Wooin Acriumvill 2  #1107

Janghangdong    Ilsangu

Goyangsi    Kyunggido

South Korea

Tanya (Korean teacher friend from my building) typed up and printed out mailing labels for me at school!

i have been such a wimp with picture-taking, but i will post more pictures that actually have people (other than me, haha) in them!

for now...i thought this was kind of beautiful. i really like doing laundry like this, in my one room, with the sounds of purple rain

 and actual rain in the background. 

i'm really happy here just doing my thing. like today, i just walked around out in the rain, ate a weird "french" pastry that included crabmeat(??), alternately reading and people-watching through the cafe window. i took some pictures when there was no one around because of the rain, haha. i will really try to post some cool people pictures. i saw this one COLOR-COORDINATED teen couple wearing onl

y light yellow and white with a matching yellow umbrella and i REALLY wanted to take their picture, but i punked out. i saw a young soldier boy holding the hand of an old grandma, too, and it was a really great missed photo op, too. i want to document all the cool people and 

sweet images i see! next time! (the crappy photo is of my favorite local store, "artbox." the sign above the girl's head says "hello? welcome to happy shop makes exciting for you")

Weekend Redemption

My weekend has more than made up for any sad or lonely times during the week.

Friday, I asked my coworker Katy (England) what she was up to

and she invited me to go out with her, but ya know, just for a beer or two.

I got off work early, so shopped at La Festa and got some cool finds! 

It's trendy in Korea now to wear VERY big long tops, so i could buy dresses and shirts for around $5 that ACTUALLY fit!

You all should put in orders if you want me to bring you back a cute/funny shirt.

I got a jumpery-looking thing, a beautiful gray dress with slip, and a big "trendy" tee for comfy weekend wear (I'm wearing it now, haha) - all for like $20.

Katy and my other coworker Soo (NYC) show up at my door at 11 (right after work, haha)

and we go to a foreigner bar a few blocks away.

Everyone knows each other - it's ridiculous!

Apparently the teachery community is pretty small and pretty tight.

And all my foreigner coworkers show up too

and basically one or two beers turn into everyone getting totally smashed and ridiculous,

but in a very amiable, pleasant way?

And I met and talked to a few people, and even made plans to go to a soccer game with Katy, her American bf, and his coworker / my pseudo-date

The next morning I woke up sick and semi-confused,

just like Freshman year! (haha, sorry mom and dad)

smelling all like cigarettes and beer and sweat 

and feeling like I got run over by a couple mopeds

(NOTE: cheap Korean beer is deceptively strong!)

I went by my coworker Tanya's (Korea) place where she lives with her Australian husband.

She invited me in and made me toast and tea and we all talked for a long time and eventually went to a tasty tasty Indian restaurant! The sweet thing about Korea is you ALWAYS eat family-style, so you get to try as many dishes as there are people!

Next they showed me some thrift stores (I got a beautiful, high-fashiony new-looking skirt I can wear to work for $2! Tanya told me all the Korean ladies say they love my style, which I take as a really high compliment since they always look meticulous) and Tanya helped me with Korean-confusion things like cleaning supplies and trash bags and fabric softener. Which is actually REALLY confusing without help!

Tanya has been so great and sooooo generous (she gave me couscous, some melon tea syrup, trash bags, and a learn Korean book!) I gave her one of my VA is fo LOVERS shirts and her hubby one of the giant Presidential pencils. Maybe I'll have them over for a couscous-based dish sometime! He's a ridiculously funny guy and a musician and vegetarian too, so I felt really comfortable talking with them both (him because of commonalities, her because she's AWESOME) right away.

Next, I had to go meet Mike and then Katy and Drew to go see FC SEOUL! The soccer game was soooo fun and had the vibe of a really great show where the audience is soooo amped they can't even sit down the whole game, but I got so sleepy! It was only 9 or 10 at night, but I guess my body still thinks it's 8 or 9 in the morning. The stadium was HUGE and everyone sings the WHOLE time. I actually learned some of the Korean cheers by the end! Too bad it was a major bummer TIE and people kept faking injuries left and right. We all went to eat Korean food after and it was soooo tasty! We split a cab back and Mike walked me home from the drop-off point, and we hung out in my apartment a bit, oohlala! He was there for like half an hour, but my neighbors probably think I'm a whore, ha. But it was just nice! Like just a continuance of earlier pleasant getting-to-know-you banter that I love. Maybe something cute and awkward brewing there? We'll see, eh? It's just annoying since I don't have a phone, and I have to make all the calls, blegh. "Well, you've got my number, so gimme a call if you ever want to do something....yeah, next weekend, that would work!" I asked Katy to take me Hongdae next weekend, the funky area close to the arts college, so that's something else to look forward to! Things are shapin up for me!

Now just if the teaching were so easy, haha. My first day was kind of boring - I taught four classes with Vicki the head teacher in the room, but nothing crazy/great/boring happened and I haven't really found my style yet... Here's to hoping I become an inspiring, effective teacher! I asked people for teaching tips a lot over the weekend, and those were veryyyyy helpful.

i show you

A cool tunnel with flower murals!

Korean ladies complimented me on this outfit.

My bike!

My portrait gallery!

*Cough*

don't worry mom,
i'm not actually in a cult.
and i didn't get kidnapped.
i'm in a pc bang with lots of chain-smoking, gaming teenagers.
safe and sound.

Oh wow

I think I just joined a Korean cult.

Two girls on the street asked me to fill out a survey with religion questions and the last one was "which question interests you most?" so I put down the one about the "heavenly Mother," which I had never heard of before. So they showed me some Bible verses and somehow I wound up being dragged down the street and a few blocks away into a parking garage type place to the seventh floor church office where they took me to a tiny room where we all sat barefoot and watched a movie about how Korea is Jerusalem the parable and the "Heavenly Mother" and the the Church of God is awesome and that people from all over the world just want to journey to Korea to meet the Mother. All the women wear veils in the Church... The girls were so nice and excited and said how they wanted to take me home to my apartment so they'd know where I lived...I said I needed to go to a PC bang to contact my earthly mother, which they totally got.

I mean, I don't regret it or anything, but woah. Those girls were trying sooo hard! And they kept complimenting me, and standing reeeeally close, and touching my hand and arm, and they'd SQUEEEEE!!!! whenever I agreed to do anything. They'd be like "OH MY GOSH? REALLY!? YOU'LL TAKE OUR SURVEY!? EEEEEEEE!!" and like jump up and down a little bit.

I just kind of thought "what the hell," it's not like I have anywhere to go or anyone to see or anything to do right now besides watch a dvd and get drunk alone in my apartment like I was planning. Now I see why lonely people join cults, haha.

Actually, I kind of have been making friends! I tracked down the one teacher on my floor and we walked to school together and I bought her an aloe drink so friends foreverrrr! Another teacher invited me to eat chicken with her and some other teachers Saturday night. Awesome. Maybe I'll just drink and eat kimchi while they eat chicken?? I have no Friday night plans. Maybe I'll go to Seoul by myself? Or try to find someone on Couchsurfer? Or try to tag along with some other teacher? It's hard because no one's really asking me to do things and I don't want to INVITE MYSELF. I might anyway. I mean, three different teachers have been to my apartment and I've been to none of theirs, wtf! They all say, "oh you'll definitely come by later!" but when!???? And they all have boyfriends/fiances/husbands. There are only two other single people out of 15 teachers and they're both Korean, so I don't know if they want to hang with me. But I think there are a few future friends - it's just everyone works so late I don't even know if they go out after. The Korean teachers work until midnight!

Tomorrow I get drug/HIV/TB-tested and then actually TEACH a class or two! I'm scared but ready after roughly 12 hours of watching people teach elementary English. I almost fell asleep during reading class, haha. But it's interesting for me to see which techniques keep people (me) interested and which totally die.

Hilarious Day!

First day of school! :) ...all the foreign teachers (Americans and Canadians) wear jeans and t-shirts, but the Korean ones dress up a bit, and I kind of want to keep dressing up. Vicki, the Canadian head teacher was like "I sweat a lot, I don't wear make-up, and I like to wear flip-flops, deal with it!" I just think people take you a little more seriously if you look a little more serious! Maybe, maybe not.

I went to GLS yesterday and observed about five classes. 

They're about 40 min. long and divided into age, level, and type of class (like phonics, reading, listening, etc.)

The kids were soooooo funny! The young ones are ridiculously energetic - jumping around, making animal noises, hiding under desks, screaming, and shouting out answers. At least they're excited? All the teachers had such different styles, but I really liked Soo-teacher's way of getting the kids to shut up, being like "Danny LOVE Soo teacher! Danny come here, kiss Soo teacher!" and the kid would be like "NOOOOOOO!!!!" and go sit down. Using the cootie threat to the max! 

Meanwhile, the kids were kind of freaked out by me at first, thinking that their teachers were leaving. Usually, new teacher = abandonment. But I'm just there to lighten their load a bit, so then they relaxed and were pretty happy to know I was an addition, not a replacement. During role call, the teachers ask "And how are you today? Why?" and one little boy goes "Two happy! One, two happy!" "Why?" "I ate hamburger! And new teacher here!" and a girl gave me a "Love for Women" sticker! So they're a pretty loving, happy crowd, just a little wild! I guess the issue there is channeling that energy into the right thing. I also worry that some of the teachers have favorites, the little class clowns etc, and that a lot of the quieter kids, especially the generally more polite girls get ignored a bit. I will really try to not let the crazy boys hijack the class and get all my attention, but it's hard to strike a balance between laying down the law and also making it fun for them? Especially when all the other teachers let chaos rein to a certain degree? However, the older kids are pretty well-behaved, and they come later in the day, so you get the loudness over with in the beginning when you're still fresh. The teaching materials are books I remember reading!! I also found out that another teacher, a Korean teacher, lives on the same floor as me, yeah!

Yesterday, I also did laundry for the first time and didn't mess up! (Believe me, that is quite a feat, since the directions and buttons are different and in Korean!) I even got a drying rack by being like "dry" "furniture" "wood" and drawing pictures and pulling at my shirt for a store worker (it was hidden on the top top shelf!). I drank some traditional Korean raspberry wine to reward myself during laundry and it was really tasty!

I also got a bike! I will post pictures of it soon, but it is cooooooool with a chain guard, fenders, bell, basket, back rack thing, the works! And it's a creamy lemon color, just like my "yellow hair"! Hehe.

Everything is good now, sorry for the previous alarming post - that was just one crappy day! People have been really nice and helpful - Koreans are so patient when you're trying to explain something, and they will sometimes even give you their cards and phone numbers in case you need help later! It is so beyond what I ever could expect in asking an American in a store or on the street to help me. When I got my bike, the guy made sure it was adjusted right, polished it, and walked it all the way to check-out for me, and made sure I understood the weird kick stand. It's just so above-and-beyond here! Maybe it's because I always look confused and young(?) They all say I look young and yesterday I got "Julie Andrews! Same in face!" on a street corner, haha. 

Crap Day

yesterday i walked to homever and wanted to dress up like all the korean women who wear heels to grocery shop. no no no. my feet were raw and bloody in three places when i came back and i was pretty much destroyed for the rest of the day. i did hobble the ten feet over to my kitchen to make some tasty fried rice with tofu using my new rice cooker. it took over two hours because the buttons are different and i couldn't figure it out. i couldn't figure a lot of things out and wrote them down to ask vicki when she came last night. oh, waaaaaaaaaait. she didn't! i don't know what happened, but it made me really homesick because i hadn't really talked to anyone at all yesterday, besides shop people KIND OF. like when they thought i was trying to steal. :(

today, i woke up feeling sick and sad. i realized my washing machine seemed cloudy so i opened it and my clothes were wet! i didnt turn it on! and they smell weird! but i can't read the korean and vicki told me the washer takes special soap but she doesn't no which, so i just left it.

i decided to walk to lake park to cheer myself up. i tried to buy some pineapple juice from a machine, but put the wrong coins in, and a bicycle guy came and helped me. then i tried to use my phone card for 30 minutes, asked the dude who had helped me earlier, and he couldn't figure it out earlier. i had learned the word for family so i was like "family!" and held up the card and he felt sorry for me because i looked so pathetic. he motioned to the bench. he asked me about home etc. and i started crying! it was terrible, terrible. i was just so frustrated, i didn't know how to do anything and had no way of figuring it out or really communicating with anyone. he was like "oh no, why cry!" and i just turned really red practically dying of embarrassment and said "molayo! malayo! molayo," ("i don't understand!") pointing at the phone, the machine, the sky, everything!

we talked awhile and he said he's moving to america to be with his family in new york, and that we should eat food and teach each other languages "just friends!" the whole "just friends! just friends!" thing made me feel kind of weird, but i guess he didn't want me to be creeped out. also, men don't usually hang out with women too much unless they're dating here? it's just that i try to smile to people and only like 1 in 100 people smile back. usually quirky-fashiony young women, people with dogs, or kind-looking middle-aged men. other men give me dirty looks sometimes (even crossing the street sometimes to get away!) or smile in a kind of disgusted way like you'd smile at a whore. and young guys just look straight past me. it's not like i want people to be real flirty or anything, i just want a little smile! but it's kind of like i'm not even there. maybe i'm imagining things - i just feel kind of crappy today.

on the up-side, i think i maybe agreed to go to church this sunday with this one woman who sat me down in the barefoot garden. "jesu? yes? good? house jesu" ..."ok." uhhhhhh, yeah, i keep getting in trouble by nodding when i think i miiiight kind of understand. she tried to get me to teach private lessons to her son, but i just looked up the word for "prison" since it's way illegal and i could get deported. ugh. but she did call her friend who had lived in dallas and she said she wants to "help me," whatever that means, and will email me soon. she'll probably try to get me to repent my evil western sins, but maybe she will actually help me with korean or take me to buy a lamp or something. that would be actually helping me.

i need a pick-me-up today. send me e-notes or letters or just respond to this please!

Ilsan! (every single second of my first day documented for YOU!)

Hiiiiii!

This is my second day in Korea and it's been really great so far! My apartment is sooo beautiful! One entire wall next to my bed is huge windows! I'm on the 11th floor so I have a very nice view (with skyscrapers etc.) Part f my view is the apartments across the street. It's kind of awesome because at night they have flashing colored disco lights and I can see people dancing sometimes.

I went exploring yesterday and found some amazing places!!

First, I simply turned left and walked a block and I saw people from all directions entering a gate - kind of like people streaming into a stadium for a football game. It was the greatly anticipated Lake Park!! Lake Park is like a park a little kid would dream up as the sweetest park possible, but then would realize as he/she got older, that it was too impossible and extravagant etc. But no! The Koreans just go for it! It's a huuuuuge lake and has other paths and gardens and things around it like temples, secret windy paths, peacocks(!), bizarre exercise equipment of the future that flips you upside down etc. Meanwhile, the main path is this crazy, high school track-like system with 4 lanes, 2 for walkers (spongy) and 2 for bikers (concrete). They even have arrows pointing which way you're supposed to walk!

Pictured to the right is my favorite section, "the barefeoot garden." I first thought this would be some nice, peaceful zen meditation spot, so I took my shoes off and headed on in. But truly, it was the reflexology TORTURE TRAIL. You walk on these little spiky rocks and then smooth rocks and then logs and then concrete triangles etc. It hurt like crazy, but then after, I felt so good, even a little euphoric(!) as I took a break from the hours(!) of walking and sipped on some Chisling Cider on a dock above water lilies.

I went home and happily napped and then felt ready to go out again! I walked a different way and got to La Festa in about three blocks, this huuuuuuuuuuuge outdoor mall with awesome teen culture watching. Most of the stores seem like really hip youth-oriented boutiques, but everything was dirt cheap! I was too nervous to shop there since my Korean skills are so lame, but I will when I get my first paycheck! There are many many floors, with restaurants and clubs too! Not too many American-y stores as I had feared might be the case. The colonel over there was an aberration. I went to "Homever" to get some house things. Homever is a huge department store OF THE FUTURE. It had five(?) floors and the escalators were STEPLESS diagonal conveyor belts that latched onto your cart. Terrifying. Awesome! They also had baby hedgehogs! Everything is so cute!! Like this mug to the right!! And I got a pillow with a puppy and a baby pig with smiles and happy closed eyes that says "...we are a good friends. let us smile together..." Korea rocksssss. (not just the stuff, haha. the people too!)

I went home and kind of decorated my apartment!

I have four little beautiful closets!!! And my refrigerator is in one too!

Haha...

Yeah! Then I hung out at home for a bit and got to meet Vicki and her boi Will, who both work at my school! They showed me around a bit and we ate at one of the boat sushi places, woopwoo. I start work in two days, wish me luck!

I won't have internet or a phone or cable until I get my resident card. I have to get x-rayed and poked and prodded for that first so they can know I don't have any STDs, do drugs, or have TB. I hope I pass, haha!

Bye! I miss you all!

MY SKYPE NAME

is:

theclairewhite!

but i'm kind of scared to use it! i've never ever used a webcam before, it's weiiiiiirrrrrdddddd.

gotta get packin! (probably will translate to thinking intensely about packing)

Korea on Friday!

hello, dear sweet homiez.

i am quite excited and terrified about my impending korean trip. i fly away in just THREE days. i fly into the future, though. which makes it feel a little cooler. i fly 13(?) hours into the future. you can skype me and i will use my from-the-future powers to tell you what the future holds for YOU!

i have to do sooo much before i leave, which i've only been addressing through list-making! supposedly in korea it's really hard to find deodorant, some over-the-counter medicines, tampons, and facewash without bleach in it! stockpiling these little toiletries is gonna be rough! also, limited sizes after women's dress size 4! and 7 for shoes! aieeeeeeee!

i'm learning korea, but it's sloooowwww goin. my phrase book shows how to say "easy, tiger!" ...annes said it would probably not be a good idea to use that to try to be funny. hehe.

some of my williamsburg friends did an AMAZING group of portraits of the fictional peebles family for me to take to korea in my (brand new magenta!) suitcase a la flat stanley. i could even set up the peebles family on the dining room chairs if i feel like a loser, haha. my decor is going to blow minds. it includes dinosaur and volcano wall clings like those from whatisblik.com. i will take my neglected digital camera with me and post pics!

bye, guys!