i just got back from work and it's friday at midnight.
super
lame.
and i'm 95% sure i won't be going anywhere tonight.
it's one thing to feel superlame on a weeknight
but quite another to feel superlame on a friday night!
the fact is, in one form or another, i have felt superlame on a pretty much constant basis since arriving in korea.
i miss feeling supercool, even if it was a delusion just as feeling superlame probably is
RIGHT NOW.
i miss having other people to share superlame friday nights with -
saying,
"man, i'm really freaking tired from this hellweek but i need to blow off some steam and relax and i want to do this with other people, but not in a crazy binge-drinking ear-splitting unwanted booty-grabbing atmosphere. wanna get a movie and drink wine and buy or make movie snacks with me?"
i miss those friends.
well, more than that maybe, i miss having a crew.
i mean, it took a long time to feel like i belonged in a crew,
but i did.
i was part of something.
even if that something made me sad or upset or frustrated sometimes.
i was part of a group of kindred spirits who taught me cool things and inspired me and made me get excited or get angry or get happy or anything! or everything!
i don't want to come off as all snotty, but i just can't seem to find any kind of group or people who get me or who i get.
there's just no clicking beyond the individual level SOMETIMES.
i hope this doesn't sound like i feel sorry for myself.
i'm still glad i'm here.
and i have met some people who i already feel great individual connections with.
i'm just frustrated that i can't find any kind of alternative scene?
i know how that sounds -
but it's not like that!
it's about wanting to be with other people who would rather play music or sweet records while drinking a lot
than being with people who would go to a gross bar where people are screaming and guys are strutting and girls are preening while drinking a lot.
to be honest, i think i could find that place if only i spoke korean.
i feel like i'm a gay 14-year-old boy in small town arkansas.
except the small town here is the foreigner population.
the gay boy has friends but just still feels so lonely.
he should be in san francisco or new york.
but the time in arkansas is good for him!
(p.s. seoul is AWESOME and i don't know about arkansas, but obvi it's not a perfect analogy!)
i'm ok, i'm just getting a little "arghhhh"y!
2 comments:
ok..that analogy sucked, haha. I think feeling lonely in a foreign country where you don't speak the language is not that strange. You will meet people that you connect with, but you will not have the familiar feelings that you have at home. Everything is different, you are living in a new culture, and I would think that would cause discomfort in anyone. Here is my lame analogy and psychoanalysis...Kristen's ex never wanted to spend time with her, it was just the same old, same old. He was always looking for something more exciting to do. After they broke up, and the longer time went on, he decided that he wanted what he had with her, and he longed for the boring times again. Problem is, if they went back, it would be a matter of time before he would be looking for adventure again. Is it possible that you are glorifying old times because they aren't available anymore, and you are looking for the comfort of what you had before? Embrace your new adventure, and do it your way. You don't have to follow the masses. Love you, and I know that you will never regret this experience. The comforts of home will be waiting for you after you finish this amazing adventure.
I've lived in both Japan and Korea for a couple of years each, and what you're describing is just the first stage of culture shock.
I majored in Japanese culture and language for 3 years before moving over for my first year in an exchange program - Didn't prepare me enough; I still went through the culture shock motions. The first signs are when you start questioning the way things are done in your host country. "Why do they do this? Where I'm from we..."
After I graduated and moved back to Japan for work, I still had a bout of culture shock. I picked up and moved to Korea for a couple of years - Culture shock. I'm back in Japan now, but I'm headed back for Korea in about a year and a half. I think I'm over the culture shock in both countries now. When you feel acclimated, when you can call this place home, you're over culture shock.
Good luck in Ilsan! I came across your blog through a google search because that's where I'm looking to move with my wife when we head back to Korea. (We used to live in Jeju-do)
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