fitness

i saw an older korean guy in a tracksuit
jogging
pumping both arms
with a cigarette gripped in his mouth.

on that note, i joined a gym (again)
since it's too cold to do anything outside.
this gym, unlike the cheap crap one with ear-splitting dance club beats that i belonged to before,
is REALLY fancy.
actually, after i joined, i found out that when they opened, they only accepted high professionals like lawyers and pretty women like 60s era flight attendants. oh, and i got a foreigner discount(!?) myeong-kwan said the desk woman i got the membership from kept saying how pretty i was in a "wow i can't believe YOU are with HER" kind of way (ew) and that they want foreign women so korean men will want to come :( i said that being racially fetsihized feels icky and he was like "well, a fetish implies that it's a minority..." i'm not sure if the gym has an outright policy on this rich and attractive thing now, but everyone there was beautiful and wearing really nice and expensive gym clothes. i felt like the fattest and the poorest but HEY! i'm white, so i must be better than everyone anyway! and in a "U BE STAR 2: HOLLYWOOD!" class i peeked in on at 11 (no jobs, ladies?), this large group of thin, young korean women were all doing complicated and quick hiphop dance moves totally in sync. it's just a really whacky place, but despite some weirdnesses, actually being there is very pleasant and their hours and class schedule and facilities are amazing! i had a great workout yesterday and i fell asleep by 12!

not really charming anymore

"WHALE: BIGGESY MAMMAL"

(on a cookie)

ahahah

there was just a big censor oval over a dude's slit throat on law and order.

it's 11 pm.

but i can prolly see some boobies on the super action channel, so it's all good.
oh but i can't see any butt cracks.
wahhhh.

arbitrary government censorship - the definition of what's inappropriate is shaped by culture or shapes culture? both?

very very

it's snowing outside,
my tuna noodle casserole is in the oven
(i told m-k i'd introduce him to typical american homey foods as opposed to the fast food hamburger version of american food),
and the patriot is on tv and i'm getting all "awww, wburg"y!

it's been such a cozy day and i'm pretty haphaphappy!

actually, myeong-kwan told me he's giving me a ride today

p.s. we're together again :O

more on that later!

tomorrow will be 10 degrees

this is what i'm in store for:

"In winter Seoul is topographically influenced by expanding Siberian high-pressure zones and prevailing west winds, temperatures dropping as low as 7°F (-13.7°C). The bitterly cold days tend to come in three-day cycles regulated by rising and falling pressure systems, however, bringing some relief."

Siberia

prevailing west winds

bitterly cold

THREE DAYS OF HELL-BIKING!!! 

xmas

i bought a mini xmas tree
and a little fancy wreathed xmas candle
and garlanded the crocheted snowflakes my mom made across my big windows
and i'm gonna make banana muffins tonight
and more spiced cider
and decorate my tree
and listen to ONLY xmas music!

i wasn't sure if i should ignore xmas here in korea or go big
but i think it's better to embrace it!
it makes me feel less homesick!

strangely enough, xmas isn't really a family holiday here.
my korean friend said, "it's the time to be with your lover or friends."
reeeeeally!?!

p.s. my weekend was AMAZING! i had a great thanksgiving party on thursday, got to see m-k back from france on friday, and ate greek food and then danced all night to jens lekman and four other amazing acts on saturday ! i was so purely and absolutely happy - it was fantastic!

i've only visited 5% of the world

create your own visited country map

interesting.



10% by age 30!

things that i'm excited about: a non-cranky post

1. green tea (see above)

2. rooibos red tea

3. chamomile tea

4. korean rice tea 

5. black currant tea

6. jasmine tea

7. schizandra fruit tea

8. strange mystery "happy" tea

I OWN EIGHT TEAS WHO AM I!?!?!?!!?

i drink tea at an astonishing rate now.

i asked katy, my british teacher's lounge neighbor, 

if there was such a thing as too much tea

and she said

"absolutely not!"

i don't even like black tea, which is the caffeine-y, teeth-stainin kind anyway!

i'm also excited about growing out all my dyed hair so that all that's left eventually after a few cuts will be the true nonchemicaly hair WHICH I HAVENT SEEN SINCE SIXTH GRADE HOW DO YOU LIKE ALL THE CAPS LOCK? NO!?!?, yeah, sorry, i should try to stop doing that.

• my friend sing came over today to shower post-badminton (since she lives in seoul) and i cooked her a nice lunch and she did dishes (o what a dream!) and it was really lovely. we're gonna have a standing date every tuesday!
  
• i'm going to see jens lekman on saturday with work friends.
  
• my apartment is really clean and i have a cool dish rack that makes me feel more together.
  
• i still can play violin and i might jam with other musician girls.
  
• the partiers next door stopped partying...JUST IN TIME FOR MY PARTY MWAHAHAHAHA
  
• i got a work mug so i don't have to drink tea out of paper cups anymore.
  
• i've been losing some weight (the tea?) and two people noticed, which never happens.
  
• i learned how to make mock apple cider from apple juice.
  
• m-k is coming back and i think that will be good. i hope i hope.
  

THANKSgiving FOR NOTHING, KOREA!

things that korea has:

pumpkin soup

pumpkin porridge

pumpkins

pumpkin powder

24-hr bakeries on every corner

sweet crackers

things that korea DOES NOT HAVE:

canned pumpkin

pie crusts

graham crackers

cinnamon

ovens

not even turkey

cranberries no way

green beans nuh uh

stuffing mix kinda things don't make me laugh

a heart

GAH! KOREA! I WANT TO MAKE A FREAKING PUMPKIN PIE!

I WANT TO MAKE A PUMPKIN PIE!!

PUMPKIN PIE!!!!!

using a toaster oven is bad enough. converting from metric to stupid u.s. measurements is even worse. but finding ingredients is just not possible. the man who owns the weird korean mexican restaurant nearby went to 20 count them 20 markets (including those in seoul) before he found limes.

trying to follow recipes and/or bake anything here is like going to the dmv and then it being closed and then having to go to another dmv, waiting in line for five hours, and then having that one tell you that you're not under their local jurisdiction and then finding out that YOUR dmv is under repairs for the next week. and then when you go back, you find out you need to retake the written portion of the driver's test and you come back in three days for that and then you fail and you can NEVER DRIVE AGAIN!!!

it snowed today.

i know i have some real blogging to do but

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!>!>!

IT'S AFTER FOUR AM.

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

THIS IS WORSE THAN WHEN I LIVED NEXT TO A COLLEGE BAR.

STOP STOP STOP STOP STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

STOP SINGING, STOP YELLING, STOP SCREECHING, STOP SLAMMING, STOP STOMPING!

HOW CAN YOU EVEN HAVE A PARTY IN THESE TINY APARTMENTS!?

IT'S EARLY ON WEDNESDAY MORNING.

WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?????

HOW HAS THIS BEEN HAPPENING EVERY OTHER DAY FOR THREE WEEKS!?

I THINK YOU JUST MOVED IN

SO IS MY LIFE GOING TO BE LIKE THIS NOW?

ARE YOU IGNORING MY POUNDING OR CAN YOU NOT HEAR IT OVER YOUR SHOUTING?

I CAN HEAR OTHER PEOPLE POUNDING!

DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

maybe practice has made this easier

so m-k and i broke up :(

techinically, he  broke up with me but i was thinking about doing it today too.

neither of us really wanted it - we both wept (i mean, seriously, he sobbed when he found a newly begun scarf, asked about it, and i told him i was making it for him) and used a copious amount of paper towel tissues and hugged a lot.

don't "i told you so" but honestly, just the age difference was too much.

he said he thought i needed a younger boyfriend.

and i didn't want that to be true, but it is.

and he needs an older girlfriend.

there were a lot of precursors to this and a lot of times he hurt me kind of by accident and made me cry and then we both felt guilty and confused.

but it's terrible and hard and heartwrenching and tragic because we actually love each other (as hard as that may be to believe for a two month relationship).

i think he's an incredible man and i really do care about him, but it just couldn't work out.

i knew it wasn't gonna be forever, but i didn't know it would end so soon or that it would be so so sad.

i felt so alone and trembly in my lonesome grief 

so 

i went over to tanya's, and her hubby was gone,

and she gave me tea and quesadillas and then wine and roughly six hours of comfort and talking and i don't feel like my guts are spilling out all over the floor anymore.

i feel like it's gonna be ok.

and that's what m-k said to me:

"you're a beautiful young girl and you have your whole life ahead of you.

i don't have the passion anymore and you do and i know you will be happy.

i just can't stand to make you sad anymore.

i know i make you happy but i know i make you sad too and i can't stand it."

and i knew it was true,

but i didn't really care at the time,

because when your heart is breaking, your heart is breaking.

and i know i made him feel inadequate and guilty and i hate that.

and he made me feel needy and demanding and i hated that.

but even now, THE SAME DAY, i already feel like it will be ok

and i'm still glad i knew him and i opened my heart 

and it was good while it lasted.

i wish i could spend a day in bed with videos and cookie dough or some other self-indulgent break-up business, but i have to go to work

and it will be ok, but it's not gonna be great.

i'll probably write some songs since i'm sad so i guess that's the upside.

and my parents are coming, so i'll have something to look forward to other than relationshipless bleakness.

thank goodness for tanya, what a savior.

but still, i miss maggie and will and laura r and sewon and all those others who sat there while i cried and always knew what to say to make it feel ok even if they had warned me in the first place (like tanya did, haha).

and with that, 

filmed in my hood:

haha i've lost my mind.

mr. obama, you're worth 16,000 won to me.

apparently there's some problem with the post office systems and/or machines in america that are causing mind-boggling delays. (which may be why you haven't received mail from me!)

conservative conspiracy to cripple democrats abroad much!!?!?!?

as much as i hate to admit it, i ACTUALLY did have that thought for a split second.

the end of the grading period is making me craaaazzzzzyyyyyy!!!

my boyfriend is cool

his screenplay is about legless armless baby monkeys raised by japanese families.

it wasn't his idea, but the producer offered him what will amount to my whole year's salary for two weeks' work.

m-k's not so into the whole pathetic disabled monkeys thing, but they gave him the 1970s japanese bestseller that he's supposed to adapt. 

and they already made the animatronic freaky-looking monkey - i saw it!

all they told him was "think E.T."

he was like

"how is this a story!?! no action, no danger, just 'aw, they love each other. see?' what is going to happen. two bad men chase monkey and boy? monkey goes 'ahhhhh!!' and then they fly off cliff on bicycle??? what bad things can happen to monkey and family in love??"

"kill the monkey,"

i said.

i'm too sexy for my yogurt

today was deliciously cold

and the streets of seoul were fairly deserted under a blowy gray sky.

i ventured to apgujeong, the ritzy part of town

and i was intimidated a bit

because i heard of all the beverly hills plastic surgery and $40 a plate lunches for pet poodles.

but it wasn't like that at all.

i strolled through humble alleys with low buildings housing fancy scary designers.

but the streets themselves were friendly and i ate a really expensive blueberry pancake that was the fanciest blueberry pancake of my LIFE. i mean it was plated like it was freaking foie gras (i don't know how to spell) with truffle sauce!

then! i rode over to the bookstore with a foreign section and i bought (too many) books

and while eating yogurt in the fancy food court,

i became a model.

AHAHAHAHA

i'm white! and blonde! =>  model in korea!

i have my little job next weekend

and i don't really know what it's for but i think the photographer's an art student or something because i was told i'm getting paid in meals instead of korean won, haha.

now, i'm eating sushi and drinking orange juice in bed and watching a woody allen movie i got  with my brand new $1/vhs(!!!!) video store membership!

i have a vhs player built into my tv.

it's cool.

and all my little flies are dead!

and m-k made me a really fancy traditional korean breakfast today!

what a grrrrrrrrrreeeeeat day!

things i been doin...longer post than intended!! ahhhh!

1. i dyed my hair using $5 korean hair dye that came in a box featuring a girl with orange hair. i couldn't read the instructions and when i mixed the two bottles, the applicating goop was RED. but i was right on everything! it worked! light blonde! and my scalp feels ok! not burny or itchy or anything, so no impending hair loss! I AM DIY HAIR GENIUS. ::applause::

2. i realized that every time i get sick for two intense cold symptomy days, i have taken a long bike ride the day before. POLLUTION!!! i need a mask!

3. my bike ride was epic in all senses. i rode through multicolored fields at sunset, mere feet away from happy cows and chickens. and the smells! it felt like fall in the best possible sense. and there were mountains all around. on the ride back, i went down streets and i passed FOUR subway stops and i found a reeeeally cool department store (11 stories) that's all just a huge really fancy outlet! woopwooo! i had no idea where i was going and it was fantastic.

4. i've really been enjoying teaching lately! the kids and i are getting a sweet repoire down. and i saw two girls i taught over a month ago who got switched to another teacher and they said, "ah, teacher! come baaaaaack! we miss youuuu! we like you better!" which i know i shouldn't feel happy about but i do since i sometimes worry that i'm not a good teacher compared to my coworkers and i was even kind of mean to that class - it was one of my most dreaded!

5. last night, i caught up with my old friend (let's call him "joe") over aim and upon telling him about my life here, he compared my boyfriend and me to both hitler and charlie manson (after joe kept going on about how terrible my relationship was, i said "all you need is love" to be snarky and he said, "charles manson might of (sic) said that." um, nah, pretty sure it wasjohn lennon :)) 

but joe said that my morals fell out of the plane on my way to korea. he said the age difference was perverted and i was being manipulated and used but also being immoral and it was like joe dating a 13-year-old. well, not exactly, i said, because of the whole age of consent thing, but no biggee! 

and another thing! how could i possibly think i was on the same intellectual level as my older man? well, joe, i like our conversations! i could date someone my age who was dumber or smarter than me - that's not what this is about. on the life experiences level, yes, obviously, we are different. but i like hearing his stories and i think he likes telling them (and of course i have a few of my own to share!) and he's not a needy crazy teenage boy who's insecure and doesn't know what he wants - he knows what he wants and he goes for it and succeeds and that truly inspires me! 

i also like how our differences  complement each other - the passion and freewheelin crazy of youth set off by the even-tempered mellowness and prudence of age. he gets a sense of vitality from me and i get a sense of calm from him. and we just like each other as people! i get what he's saying - we're kindred spirits and age ain't no thang when you feel a connection and you think the same things are funny and the same things are sad and the same things are beautiful. 

but joe thinks i'm deluding myself. and ALSO that i am wasting my life. that it's just so sad to see that i've given up. that i've squandered my potential in deciding to do something comfortable. yeah, living in a foreign country where you don't speak the language and know absolutely no one, teach 11 classes, and are involved in a socially frowned upon romance - a reeeeeeal walk down easy street!

an example transcript i have not edited lies here below for your reading enjoyment! joe comments on the creepiness of the but-he-could-be-your-dad(!) phenomenon. well, my dad's not a korean man, and my bf would have been quite a young father, but i understand the point. no one ever thinks it's creepy to date someone who could be your brother!! megan even MARRIED a boy with her bro's name! no one calls THAT creepy! haha. because that would be ridiculousss. anyway! please enjoy!

joe: dedepis much?
claire: dedepis?
joe: edepis
claire: [i was thinking, first of all it's OEDIPUS, you tard. don't use references you can't spell!]
it's electra for girls
joe:its hitler for the jews
claire:???
joe: how cares if its wrong... as long as you and another believe in it
claire: hahahahaha
oh my. you're comparing me dating an older guy to the holocaust?
joe: ignorance has no bounds

whattttt!?!?!

i was so hurt and confused, even though i know he's being crazy, that i couldn't fall asleep. he just threw so much venom at me, i was really taken aback. i know some people might not understand my choices, and sometimes even i don't(!), but right now, i feel happy and healthy and i've got both my eyes open. so if you're a silent critic who's keeping your mouth shut out of politeness, please trust me! i know what i'm doing...kind of. and so what if i don't! i'd rather try something and make a mistake than be too scared to move.

thanks thanks thanks so much to everyone who has been supportive,

who has made me feel proud of challenging myself, unafraid of taking risks, and confident enough in my heart and spirit to take unconventional paths.

it means so much that i have people rooting for me back home, people who have faith in me!

ugh, i got kind of choked up when we watched "arthur" in class today.

the SONG!

the opening song totally sums up a big part of my life philosophy right now!

what a nice message after tons of disney movie socially dubious themes about gender and class and age and race (if you're pretty and white and young and poor, you can marry a hot young white guy who's super rich! and then you'll be happy!)

arthur is love.

i want to make a kids' show like arthur...but with puppets or claymation or something! and new wave keyboard-driven songs! please listen to what arthur has to tell us about life in the clip below.

the drank

something about drankin makes korean boiz act skeezy

por ejemplo:

at a street corner:

korean boy: "hi, how are you?"

me: "ok..."

"where are you going?"

"home"

"you want to drink?"

"i already drank a lot tonight"

"where are you from?"

"america"

"i lived in america for two years"

" oh, really? where?"

"new york"

"oh. cool."

"what is your number. i am interested."

"oh, i have a boyfriend."

"yeah, i have a girlfriend too. i don't care."

"well. i do. ok, bye!"

i used to think korean guys were sweeter but now i think some are as capable of ickiness as creepsters in america, most are just too shy until they get a few drinks in them. 

ew.

i hate when guys act like this.

does this ever actually work!?!?

"i'm so sorry but i love you, it's all lies"

the korean boy band hip hop phenomenon.
i theenk is some strangey.

all my students freaking LOVE big bang.
the girls think they're hot
and the boys think they're cool.

rock is out, hip hop is in.

m-k said only old people like rock now.
women who like rock are NOT HOTTIES and almost always old.
hmmm, maybe old as in like 40-something!? *COUGH*
this anti-rock statement sparked some debate.
haha.

i still don't understand.
i hope he was thinking rock like creed or evanescence, not rock like vampire weekend or CSS.

is rock really dead!?!?!
was it ever even alive here?
does m-k know what he's talking about at all!?
is rock gonna die in the u.s.????

PANIC.

looooong day

i got put on first class and last class on the new schedule.

i end at 10:15

i just saw a teenage girl wearing a sandwich board

in the kind of hip party/restaurant zone near my house

and o! did she look totally, completely, and utterly miserable.

she looked SOOOO unhappy that i laughed a little, but she didn't notice because she was not gonna look up from her scuffed converses for anything.

i got my first random response to a blog.

it kind of freaked me out, but i knew it was inevitable.

but to the poster, if he's still out there,

my culture shock is about the foreigner culture more than the korean culture!

my woes are generally more fellow foreigner-related

because i feel like i should understand them and sometimes i just totally don't.

i haven't been culture shocked by much here.

in fact, i really feel comfortable with the korean culture i've been exposed to so far.

i know it's only a glimpse into a window of korean life, but i haven't really been freaked out or disgusted or repulsed by anything! quite the opposite!

the only thing i have a hard time with sometimes 

are korean ideas about gender and sexuality.

like that most women (and men) shower both immediately before and after sex because not only is the body naturally dirty and smelly and gross, but sex is dirty and shameful as well.

also, a few days ago i learned about "bamboo wives."

a shape and size somewhat like a woman, a man will wrap around the bamboo wife in the summer while his actual wife lies off on the edge of the bed. snugglin with the bamboo wife keeps him cooler than spooning with his real wife.

while not really in fashion now with the younger generation, people still use bamboo wives and you can get them easily, like at the korean equivalent of target. 

i'm cool with most culture difference and i respect them even when they seem a bit extreme - like the obsession with appearance, the needs for intense privacy and saving face, and the countless other generally conservative values. for example, no one kisses in public, so i don't try to give my boy a peck goodbye or anything even though a handclasp seems oddly formal. no biggee. i try to mostly adapt to the korean way of doing things. and it's really not a hardship or anything - i'm basically a guest in this country and i want to be respectful. and anyway, it's all part of the experience. i'm not the kind of girl who ever turns her nose up at something because it's different.

BUT, 

some things about gender relations do bother me, but i just don't have to really be a part of that. i don't have to ask my boyfriend to buy me designer clothes and i don't have to put on a weird spoiled little girl act for his ever-patronizing sake. no thanks. i'm so glad i'm dating a weirdo liberally-minded korean. 

yay!

teacher! superlame!!!

i feel so superlame tonight.

i just got back from work and it's friday at midnight.

super

lame.

and i'm 95% sure i won't be going anywhere tonight.

it's one thing to feel superlame on a weeknight 

but quite another to feel superlame on a friday night!

the fact is, in one form or another, i have felt superlame on a pretty much constant basis since arriving in korea.

i miss feeling supercool, even if it was a delusion just as feeling superlame probably is 

RIGHT NOW.

i miss having other people to share superlame friday nights with -

saying,

"man, i'm really freaking tired from this hellweek but i need to blow off some steam and relax and i want to do this with other people, but not in a crazy binge-drinking ear-splitting unwanted booty-grabbing atmosphere. wanna get a movie and drink wine and buy or make movie snacks with me?"

i miss those friends.

well, more than that maybe, i miss having a crew.

i mean, it took a long time to feel like i belonged in a crew,

but i did.

i was part of something.

even if that something made me sad or upset or frustrated sometimes.

i was part of a group of kindred spirits who taught me cool things and inspired me and made me get excited or get angry or get happy or anything! or everything!

i don't want to come off as all snotty, but i just can't seem to find any kind of group or people who get me or who i get. 

there's just no clicking beyond the individual level SOMETIMES.

i hope this doesn't sound like i feel sorry for myself.

i'm still glad i'm here.

and i have met some people who i already feel great individual connections with.

i'm just frustrated that i can't find any kind of alternative scene? 

i know how that sounds -

but it's not like that!

it's about wanting to be with other people who would rather play music or sweet records while drinking a lot

than being with people who would go to a gross bar where people are screaming and guys are strutting and girls are preening while drinking a lot.

to be honest, i think i could find that place if only i spoke korean.

i feel like i'm a gay 14-year-old boy in small town arkansas.

except the small town here is the foreigner population.

the gay boy has friends but just still feels so lonely.

he should be in san francisco or new york.

but the time in arkansas is good for him!

(p.s. seoul is AWESOME and i don't know about arkansas, but obvi it's not a perfect analogy!)

i'm ok, i'm just getting a little "arghhhh"y!

oh me oh my

my ten-person middle school class was down to two today due to exams

and the ONLY two left were the aforementioned kings of middle school flirt.

it was a little ridiculous.

example:

"24/7 i am looooving you! 24/7 thinking of youuuuu!"

(the kid was literally singing pop songs to me)

"teacher, why don't we meet, and i can teach you korean. hey teacher, i hope to go to america. you will invite me, yes? here's my phone number." (i didn't take it, haha.)

these fourteen-year-olds are serious charmers though in their preppy school uniforms

and devilish little grins. 

 i couldn't help but laugh and smile when it was just those two upping the ante during their nearly private lesson.

i know they just want to have fun and distract me - i think that's the ultimate mission of the student-to-teacher bizarro flirting - but we did finish all our work even though neither had done ANY of the homework. 

i hope this doesn't make me sound like a creeper -

i'm not lusting after adolescents or anything -

i just kind of get a kick out of it even though i know i probably shouldn't.

in other news, i'm gonna record some songz!

i don't know what to do with these little people sometimes

today a boy in my fifth grade class said, 

"teacher, brian said you are fat. you are like pig. fat pig."

in the next class, one of my seventh grade students said, 

"teacher, you are very pretty. yes."

i know they're just messing with me and/or sucking up, 

but i really don't know how to respond when they act like this, 

either when they diss or compliment the way i look.

i don't want to encourage it, so i try not to act upset or flattered.

i'm just like "...thanks. ok! page 84!"

but the elementary school meanness has started to get to me 

and the middle school flirting has started to make me uncomfortable.

it's such a weird area - it's not like i can punish them for anything personal, that would just make it even more awkward.

dress code blues

thanks to my one coworker wearing a tube top mini dress and platform heeled sandals yesterday,

we now have specific rules

all of which i'm ok with except that little after-thought #5:

"all skirts, dresses, and shorts must be knee-length or longer"

i was wearing longish nice shorts over heavy tights with nice flats and a sweater!

you're telling me that's a no-no now?

the little boys will get "confused"?

i think not!

my skirts etc always hit well past the ends of my hands,

which was the strictest test i knew before.

i mean i would understand if it weren't a jean and t-shirt kind of place.

ugh, it's just annoying because i already have such a limited wardrobe and now four of my workin staples are out the window.

and i'm the only one who wears tights with skirts, which i think is decidedly more modest than bare skin. i even heard jay say something about a tights clause and then a korean teacher shot him down with some "leggings as pants!" comment.

i know how to do it right, just let me do my thannnng!

too many pictures

this weekend i went to sokcho with myeong-kwan

and it was really really really fun/beautiful!

it was a little stormy but in a quite gorgeous way.

not only does sokcho have the beach, but it's also 

home to the tallest mountain in south korea - soraksan.

we had a lot of adventures!

here is some photo documentation!

he has pictures of me, so maybe i will post a good one of those laterrrrrr.

first(!) here is the fish market at night.

myeong-kwan picked out the fish we would eat raw

and i had a mini vegetarian heart attack and had to look away as my dinner was 

flopping around mere minutes and feet from its destination in my belly. 

the things on the lines are little squids.

dinner! yumyum

that dude's fishing out someone else's dinner.

i mean the slaughtered fish WAS really delicious. the best fish i've ever had!

strangely enough, driving through the countryside made me think of california??

i miss you, calirelatives!

we hiked a bit up the mountain and there were soooo many people there!

they even have restaurants on the mountain! 

it felt kind of fake, like a disney version of a mountain 

and they even sold silly things like giant plastic backscratchers and mylar balloons.

i think i liked it because it was so different from what i'm used to with national parks.

myeong-kwan said he thought all the shops and restaurants were ridiculous 

and polluted the fresh spring water 

and made the mountain too crowded and unnatural,

which i think is definitely true

buuuuuuut i kind of liked the novelty of having a cafe on the side of a mountain with the 

smells of hot oil frying onions and garlic and chilis,

even if it is weird and makes you feel like you're at an amusement park more than on the biggest mountain in korea.

this is the largest buddha in korea. it was made in the '80s!? there are a loooot of buddhist temples in this area and myeong-kwan even stayed at one for a winter as part of an artist residency program.

that's mah boiiiiii. 

he just got a nicer camera and so was kind of like 

my male version of sewon during this trip.

oddly enough, talking to him sometimes feels like talking to sewon.

he says half his heart is in korea and half is in france,

so maybe that part eastern and part western consciousness has something to do with the amazing talks i have with those two.  

a mommy and a daughter.

a looooot of people chillin, playin, flirtin, snackin and photo-takin!

ok ok ok here's a real photo. he's more handsome in real life, but i had to be sneaky with the photo-taking and so i got this pre-laugh picture that i think is pretty charming. i like him because, like me, he's a bit of a hater (haha, i mean not entirely negative, but a bit critical of some parts of society etc.) but he's also always seconds away from busting out laughing. plus, i like that in this picture he looks more touristy than i did even though he's been to this mountain tons of times. 

the sea before we made the five-hour drive back.

i know i've been a bit silent on the romance front, but i had felt a bit weird sharing that, especially when i wasn't sure where it was headed. 

truly, though, we've been spending a lot of time together, 

and myeong-kwan and i had the bf-gf talk and we are officially bf-gfs.

it was kind of a silly talk that included,

"what do i say? i am not a boy. am i 'manfriend?' are you my womanfriend?"

in korean,

i would call him "manfriend" but also "opa," which literally translates to "older brother."

he said he doesn't like "opa", because to him, it has always had weird gender relation implications like that the man's a provider and the woman whines a lot and asks him to buy her gucci handbags and he treats her like a little spoiled child and she has no independence.

yeah. i don't want that either.

and i'm totally cool with NOT saying "oh, big brother, you're the best!" before a nice kiss.

i've learned infinitely more from dating a korean for a month than i had just living in korea for over twice that time.

all practicalities aside, 

(like having an amazing langauge, culture, and tour guide and free meals, haha),

i really dig him! he's all i ever wanted 

- smart, funny, caring, adventurous, patient, 

searching and exploring, generous in heart and spirit - 

and more!

oh, man, and his laugh, the easy way he moves, the little happy crinkles around his eyes!

and i swear, hearing him speak korean makes me go totally weak in the knees 

(which i think he finds really surprising and hilarious but is so true!) 

the man has a beautiful voice and his speech is like music!

i never expected to feel this way, 

but i'm kind of fallin for him, and vice versa as well!

oh man, i'm in troooouuuuubleeeeeee!

clarifications

i was very upset when i last posted and i think understandably so

but i should clear up a few things.

1. in no way whatsoever do i "vent" on my students. i never react out of anger. after class, i get frustrated, and talk to my coworkers and friends about my problems to bounce around ideas, but in class, i always hold it together. i understand that it's not personal. they're not out to torture me - they're just kids! they're testing their limits and i need to show them what's ok and what's not ok. for example, CHEATING is not ok. i simply tell them what will happen if they do something wrong, give them several warnings and then follow through. the tearing up papers thing was suggested to me by another teacher who had taught at my school for three years. in a place where the korean teachers bring poles to class to hit their misbehaving students, i don't really know which way to go with punishment, especially when quiet forms of discipline seem to go unnoticed. i ripped the papers after giving warnings to make an impact - for all the kids to see that i would go through with my word. i need credibility with these kids. it's really unfair to the class to take time out of every day for disciplining the same one or two kids. it's not fair to those kids either if they never take learning english seriously. while i am kind and encouraging and enthusiastic to them, sometimes i have to be kind of nasty for them to understand that i am the boss. in korea, respect is based on age, and since i'm so young (and foreign), some students assume that i'm not serious about my job.

2. no one in korea (NO ONE) knows that i keep a blog. i even protected the one place where i posted this blog linking to my name so that only my college friends (with that college id) on facebook can see. i know that what's on the internet is public, but it's so lonely to never feel like i can speak my true mind. i definitely censor myself at work (i do smile and nod and apologize and hold my tongue, i'm not on a career suicide mission), and i censor myself to my friends here, but sometimes i just want to be able to talk about something without thinking how it will "come off." i know that's stupid and potentially damning/damaging and even a bit selfish, but i just got carried away and i apologize.

 it's a bit frustrating writing to two audiences. i had kept a blog for a long time before this one and felt free to be honest and candid and use strong language because that's how my friends and i talk to each other and it seems totally normal to us. however, i know that different words mean different things to different sets of people and sometimes i forget that i have to censor myself and write to not only my friends (who i feel understand my meaning a little better) but also the potential e-public and more specifically, my family, who i generally wouldn't always talk to in the same way as i talk to my friends.

i am deleting this last post not only because it caused upset but also because i don't really want to be reminded of this time that generally made me feel terrible and misunderstood and totally lonely and cry a lot. the fact that i was misunderstood by not only my big boss but also my family makes it even worse. i really do have a lot of passion for this job and i think that fire came out in the wrong way. i believe in the power of language for these kids - they're so bright and amazing and funny and sweet - and i think they can do great things. as a woman who is constantly struggling with language issues here in korea, i know how important communication can be. and i try to show them that and keep things interesting and fun for them so they'll actually WANT to put in the effort. i think of my teachers who made learning seem easy and even somewhat enjoyable and i try to emulate them, but it's just really hard with cultural differences, a very scripted curriculum, and teaching so many different ages and ability levels. i keep learning from experience and from advice and i think i'm generally getting better, i just had a major misstep.

3. when i wrote the comment about the girl being crazy, know that that was one part of a five-sentence summary that HER PARENTS WILL NEVER SEE. we're told to be honest and clear and then give the comment papers to the korean teachers, who call the parents and phrase the truth into a nice korean way. the teachers who call need to know what's really going on so they can communicate well with the parents. the korean teacher would NEVER say "crazy" to a parent and neither would i. i just said it as a dumb short-hand for "a bit wild" which i'm sure would be in turn translated to "has a lot of energy." really, i did write "she is doing well in class but could do even better if she focused her energy on the course material" on the same comment paper. 

4. i talked to my immediate boss today about talking to the big boss and he said he'd help me set things up and that would be a good thing to do. he really went to bat for me and told the big boss that he thought i was a great person - honest and smart and trustworthy - and i could become one of their best teachers, but i just needed time and experience to understand the school and how things operate. now that i'm clear-headed and not having a major freak-out and thinking i'm going to get deported (that's not gonna happen), i think i can deal with this in a way that will make both my bosses and me feel better about my place at the school. 

updatey

so the little lump on my leg

is perhaps an infection?

a sebaceous cyst?

basically a glorified pimple.

ha.

i saw it on the sonogram and it's a cute little dude.

and i have to take 10 pills a day to see if antibiotics will kill it.

if not, they will slice that baby open.

even with health insurance, the whole thing SO FAR cost me $90.

:(

when i saw it on the sonogram, i got kind of attached.

stupid cyst.

i had a good weekend and everything but

I FOUND A FREAKING TUMOR ON MY INNER THIGH!!!
i have to go to the korean doctor's!
ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
wish me loads of luck.

i have a new motto

never stay home because you're scared.

on that note,
i'm going to a bulgarian restuarant for sunday lunch with a bunch of people i don't know from meetup.com (organizes people with similar interests in the same city)
and i'm having dinner tonight with the author i wrote about last time.

this is kind of embarrassing to talk about, but i had been feeling unhealthy and fat and generally blahy for awhile here
and i was looking to change that, but i'm not gonna keep going to the loud music gym
so, i joined this thing called sparkpeople.com a week ago.
it is SUCH A GREAT TOOL if you're trying to lose some poundage or just get generally healthier.
it helps you plan menus (if you want), tells you maximum AND minimum calories (total and by carbs, proteins, and fats)
i had never broken down my calories like this, and was surprised to find that both my proteins and fats go below their lower limit usually and the carbs go above. even when i'm eating what i THINK is a lot of protein! i even made hard-boiled eggs for the first time!
it even has recipes where you can search by ingredient!
it also tracks your produce and the number of glasses of water you drink in a really cute, pictorial way.

AND it plans an exercise regime for you,
giving you strength training days and exercises (with video) based on what equipment you have.
there are even silly full length videos (like cardio bootcamp or AB BLAST! etc.)

AND it helps you track other goals as well, like getting 8 hours of sleep. you get a new set of goals every two weeks, so it's never overwhelming - you pick what you want to focus on.
all in all, this is an amazing FREE program!

and i think it's helping me diet healthfully for the first time ever! (instead of eating as little as possible or eating nothing all day and then four slices of pizza for dinner:/)
even with the calorie minimums, all the walking and the standing and gesticulating while teaching has caused me to lose FIVE pounds already. and i already feel a difference in my energy level, well-being, and oddly enough, in my skin and my SENSE of strength. i hope i can keep this up! i feel really great about it! (although i expect to lose about 2 pounds per week after this first one, haha) wish me luck, babies!

BEST DAY EVER

if yesterday was a hurricane of despair and negativity,
today is a rainbow of puppysunshinehappylovesmile time!!!

it was beautiful today!
breezy and perfect and i decided to climb our one mountain.
at the summit were the old rusty exercise machines and free weights
it was so eerie and fantastic and i got a good (free!) workout!
next i went to homever and i discovered they have spices! like even tumeric!!!
i am so psyched about cooking.
after my big walk i still didn't want to go inside
so i took my book up to the roof.
i was so happy - there was no place i'd rather be or thing i'd rather be doing
and then i heard the drums!
remember i said i missed the high school band drums?
these were like that BUT BETTER!!!
i was enjoying myself immensely
and then i decided to find the source...
at lake park there was a huge show going on!
with dancing and costumes and eight drummers and horns and singing ladies!
and everyone was clapping and totally into it, it was so great!
on the way home, this korean man stops me and asks me about english lessons.
ok, i don't do those, and i'm ready to dismiss this fellow
but we keep talking and we hit it off! he's cool! not creepy!
he ends up buying me dinner at a vietnamese place where you sit on the floor and roll your own spring rolls
and we buy beers and i GO TO HIS APARTMENT (scandal alert! i know, but it was really sweet and he lives in the building right next to mine) and we talk for awhile.
and guess what? he won the national book award two years ago! the dude gets stopped on the street!
i looked it up! it's legit!
anyway, i'm glad i met someone cool and i think we'll get together again sometime next weekend.
this just teaches me to GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT and have adventures and be open to new people and new things and new sounds and new tastes.

i swear i found this AFTER that last post!!!

i guess a sole apple is universally a very lonely thing indeed.
i also like that this video looks like something sarah and tessa would have made when they were bored.

wahhh

ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER

yesterday, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, soo invited the two other girl foreign teachers to do something every day of the four-day weekend. as if i didn't feel like enough of a loser eating all my meals alone and having little kids call me fat, ugly, stupid, and old every day and then laughing hysterically. (i know they're kidding, and i don't take it seriously, but STILL!) also, the stuff the office girls are gonna do is dumb shit like getting wasted and blowing their money at casinos, but i probably would have gone anyway if they had asked me.

today, someone stole my bike. and left the mangled lock. :(

now, i'm making baked apples...for one. i ALWAYS make baked apples to share. now i understand why little old ladies in movies virtually force kids to come inside and eat their cookies.

tomorrow is korean thanksgiving and i have no family here. and i'm gonna have to go through another lonely thanksgiving hell when american thanksgiving rolls around. but i actually don't think that one will be as bad since there won't be this preparatory bustle in the streets, closed businesses, and excited children. 

this week has been the second worst homesicky week yet.

i'm doing ok, it's just my homesickness casts a fog over everything else.

and i really want it to be fall now, but the weather is unseasonably nasty and humid at about 85 degrees every day.

but don't worry about me, i'll be fine.

my coworker jay says the homesickness (his was moving from california to korea to california and back) only lasts for two years in each new place. 

great!

at least i have:

oh, dr. quinn, medicine woman.

how i love you.

this was one of my favorite shows when i was little.

and now, watching it again (surfthechannel.com), 

i appreciate it on so many more levels!! (see above)

finances - CAN'T MISS EXCITING POST!!do

i think having a toaster oven is going to end up saving me money!

i feel like i can prepare a WHOLE very satisfying meal with it!!

BUUUUT - EVERY MONTH!

1. electric bill ($100 last month)

2. gas bill ($1 but will switch with the lectric when it gets cold)

3. tv/cable ($30?? haven't paid it yeeeet)

4. gym ($60, which I'm not really diggin due to loud annoying music but could be cheaper if I paid for more than one month at a time)

5. Korean lessons! ($120 for six hours of private tutoring)

6. phone ($20ish)

Right there is $330. 

Does it seem reasonable to allot $100 per week?

for foood and entertainment and incidental needs like cleaning supplies?

Then I'd be able to save about half my paycheck every month.

How are all you other post-college new workers doing with this kind of thing? I'm lucky in that I don't have to pay back loans or pay for housing. Do you have budgets? What do they look like? Are you starting to invest or anything like that?

I want to be able to travel...and also to have a safety net while I'm looking for a job in a new town back in the U.S. (like Portland!!)

Should I cut any of my monthly expenses?

I'm thinking about dropping the gym, but I don't know how to force myself to get good exercise. I do walk about an hour a day, but that's not enough for me to be able to fit into Korean-sized skirts or pants. However, I've only gone to the gym three times in the first 11 days. Now that I realize that, I'm gonna go NOWWWW! Man, at this rate, it's $5 per gym visit. That doesn't seem very good :(

aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

this is how my brain works

i think my freaky work schedule is messing with my head.

ok, so here's the thing.

sometimes i get home at midnight.

and i'm really awake

from being like:

"SOOO! which of these is a FACT and which is an OPINION!? bill gates owns the world. bill gates is the smartest man alive!"

so i'm keyed up.

tonight i went out to dinner with my coworkers 

and our meal was AMAZING.

you cook the food in this giant grill in the middle of your circular table.

the red pepper paste and cabbage and sweet potatoes and onions and just everything were so perfect!

but i got home pretty late.

i had ordered a large toaster oven (since koreans don't use ovens!?!?) and a fancy cart and these two huge ready to be assembled boxes of hope were just staring at me as i lounged on my bed and got freaked out by the sixth sense with korean subtitles.

I ASSEMBLED THE FANCY CART

it involved tools and many many parts and korean instruction.

then i assembled the toaster oven.

then i decided i needed to use the toaster oven.

so i am baking chocolate chip scones at 3 am.

this is my life,

making buttermilk by combining milk and lemon juice in the middle of the night.

i was feeling really down lately.

and then i realized it was september 11th.

actually, will told me.

but i think baking is making it ok 

and i can bring some goodies to school

but now the bottoms are burning.

i didnt grease the sheet and now my scones are gonna set off my smoke detector.

wahhhhhh!!!!

well, i'll go get some cooking spray tomorrow and it'll all be gooood.

i opened a window! and my door!

it's only a little hazy in my apartment!

i've got it under control!

i'm gonna go watch some dr. quinn medicine woman off the internet now.

pro/con: adventures in list-making PART II

things in america i miss:

1. target (even just finding TWINE is an ordeal here)

2. driving my car with the windows rolled dowwwwn

3. sheets and blankets (all they have here is the bottom fitted sheet and stiff comforters)

4. hearing the lake braddock high school band practice in the crisp afternoons

5. being able to order delivery 

6. magazines 

7. eavesdropping

8. YOUUUUUUUUU

things i like better here:

1. nice biking and walking

2. living up high and alone in a nice big-windowed apartment

3. really cheap and healthy food

4. the subway

5. being surprised and seeing new things all the time

6. my job (compared to college)

7. smarter energy uses and really good recycling

8. making my own life / having an income

korean saturdays can be mundane too :O

literally my entire saturday:

1. wake up at 8 am to go to costco with jay teacher (new head teacher) and his wife and kyle

2. come home to disastrous apartment

3. take three hour(!) nap

4. walk around la festa (outdoor mall place) and get credit on my phone and buy a trash can

5. buy a mcdonald's shrimp burger for dinner

6. eat shrimp burger on bed while watching hilary duff movie and feeling like i've reached a new low

7. clean apartment and feel reinvigorated

8. eat costco dates out of triumph and get irritated because i bought dates thinking they were figs

9. look up recipes for figs

10. watch movies online

11. learn "first day of my life" on ukulele. think about the time when i was riding in a car really late at night with megan and nathan and she was asleep in the passenger seat and he was driving and singing along really softly and glancing over at her and it was the first time i saw all-encompassing truetrue fresh love and i felt like a voyeur but it also made me really happy.


12. start laundry

13. watch yet another movie while waiting for TWO HOUR WASH CYCLE

14. accompany movie watching with mango soju cocktail (you're supposed to drink it as a shot, but i want to just sip something)



maybe i should stop being a hermit but it's making me happy for now so i think it's ok. do you? i told my coworkers i was going to go out last night but i was too tired (from working til 9:30) so i just laid in bed watching tv. then i felt guilty about not going out and stared at the ceiling all freaked out that no one would ever invite me out again and i couldn't even contact anyone because i had no minutes on my phone and i MISSED MY ONE CHANCE AT FRIENDS!!! but i don't feel like that tonight. i feel pretty happy. i'll do something tomorrow.

if you're anything like me

you LOVE getting offended.

it's what liberals do best!

below is some of our proud nation's history. ....so easy to mock from far far away.

and the funny thing is, some of the youtube comments are like,

"what, it's just a joke. it's funny! i hate all this modern day pc crap!"

weeeell, see what you think!

the website where i found this is amazing, by the way

http://contexts.org/socimages/

it's a blog put together by sociology professors to show their students that social constructions of gender, class, and race actually and seriously and truly and really are REAL and affect people! wow!

some striking images from a post there on gender:

"kids and their stuff"

this last girl is 

a) KOREAN(!) 

b) the photographer's daughter

!!!

cable trials and tribulations

3 am and i can't sleep.

the only thing on tv now in english is creepy softcore porn with all the buttcracks blurred out but the fake boobs are still there in all their incomprehensibly tanned glory.

i'll think something is a real (low budget) movie

but then they'll pointlessly show the woman character go upstairs and change or something.

and then it's all over.

creepy simulated and heavily blurred and airbrushed looooovin is imminent and that will be it. like the movie will just be awkward love scenes then for the rest of the whole thing.

it's disconcerting!

korea is so weird

:/

and all the people in these movies are really scary looking!

especially the plastic-surgeried-out freaky-lookin ladies!

the bad eye makeup! the long fingernails! the misshapen lips!

and everyone male and female alike have reeeeeeeeeally bad 80s hair.

maybe all these are from the 80s?

they wear really high-cut underwear (to the waist!) too

or maybe these movies are just not on the cutting edge of art and design, haha

all the actors do weird "sexy moves" that are just awkward and kind of snl-esque in their over-the-topness.

like does anyone ACTUALLY GET OFF ON THIS?

there's no way.

like it's very creepy staged sexuality that's censored to the max anyway

so what's the pointtttttt.

KOREA!!

i watched plenty of late-night tv in the ole usa, but i never saw anything like this on basic cable.

this is just soooo weird!

it's like EVERY ENGLISH CHANNEL!

sleep tight from your sexy friends here (better looking friends than the tv ones)!!

PUMP IT UPPPP

i joined FLEX GYM -

(basically because it's the cheapest and open til midnight)

it's a block from my house,

looks out on meat street

and is so dude-centric

it feels like chuck norris is gonna pop up from behind the bench press machine.

they blast AEROSMITH 

and the walls are red and black.

they also have red and black workout clothes they launder for you!

and the guy said, "no is worry, ok to shower with other womans. no lesbian womans."

well PHEW.

USA! USA! USA!

today was such a mixed bag of emotions.

i went to itaewon, which is the foreigner district

(near the military base, a lot of teachers, middle eastern and southeast asians, and africans hang out here)

it was weird being able to eavesdrop on conversations again

and how shopkeepers spoke english to me

and how i could order an all-american breakfast at dinner time and the ketchup didn't taste like cinnamon and the meal didn't come with a dish of sweet pickles or kimchi

and how i registered to vote on the street

and how there were just SO MANY WHITE PEOPLE

it made me feel simultaneously lonely and whatever the opposite of lonely is

i also had an interesting experience with a young kenyan man

he approaches me and makes some polite conversation and then is like 

"i like you. i want to know you more. let's go sit somewhere, yes?"

and i mean, i wasn't really doing anything and he seemed nice enough so i said ok.

but to be honest, i wasn't really interested, so i should have flat out said NO.

and this guy became so pushy.

at first, it was flattering, but just became ridiculous and terribly annoying and disconcerting.

and he was so insulting to me!

like saying, "why are you being rude to me?"

and "you're not a little kid, don't act like it"

when i just said, "i just met you, you're being too pushy" after he kept FOLLOWING ME after i said i had to go.

i finally got rid of him by being like (for the FOURTH TIME), "listen, i'm sorry if i gave you the wrong idea, but i don't want to talk to you anymore. can you please leave me?"

and he says, "ok, so nice to meet you! i really love you!"

WHAT THE KIMCHIIII!!!!

why do boys like it when you're being a true bitch to them!?!?!

i hate how some people don't mean no when they say no and then it ruins NOs for the rest of us.

anyway, it was an ok day despite weird american homesickness and an aggressive boiiiiiieee

i bought a copy of BITCH magazine, and felt oddly vindicated with my much-needed feministy boost.

A DATE WITH MYSELF

today me bought i indian food.

then me took a walk with i and it was really great. me is so interesting!

i wanted to get a black cardigan for better work options and me told i that purple looked better and we laughed and laughed. but i'm not sure. maybe me talked i into spending more than was appropriate ($40 for a wool cardigan?? argh). me is just so loose with money!

then i talked me into going to see mamma mia even though me hates that shit.

me was right.

mamma mia is a terrible terrible abomination of a film.

i couldn't believe meryl streep, colin firth, and pierce brosnan (usually in at least ok movies!)

could produce something so incredibly cringe-worthy!!

i like going to korean movie theaters though because it's the only time when a lot of korean people and i can all laugh at the same time.

plus, i'm in love with the cafe above the movie theater.

it's on the eleventh floor and the big purple and red and eyeball chairs look out over the mountain.

my subway stop is jeongbalsan -

jeongbalsan means "one mountain"

we have ONE MOUNTAIN in ilsan.

i wanna explore it tomorrow!

anyway, this cafe is beautiful and bright and comfortable and calm and one of my favorite places in town.

i got a weird frozen yogurt and fruit dish.

grape tomatoes count as fruit.

:O

i got cable and this includes korean hbo-style channels!!!

1408 is on now and it's way scarier watching it alone in your apartment than in a theater!

eeeeeeeeeeeee!

okokok

so i already feel better.

i wrote that last entry last night.

and now i feel ok.

not sad or bad or anything.

although the cable guy did come (EARLY) like four hours after i went to sleep.

i'm gonna use my nice internet and fall asleep to blue lagoon, hahaha.

man o man

i felt so homesick and unattractive as a human tonight at the work party.
i don't know why i get like this sometimes.
also: i was drinking a lot and not getting drunk
uh oh
i just felt so lonely among all these people (20+)
and i was thinking i was faking it ok,
and talking to people and being witty and engaged
but my coworkers kept telling me
"you're very pretty girl, you shouldn't have hard time be sad in korea"
which really took me aback because
1. i don't think of myself as a pretty girl entitled to happiness for being so gosh darn pretty
2. i didn't know i could look sad when i was working on looking happy
3. i don't think being beautiful makes you happy, not that i'm saying i AM or anything!

i just feel so disconnected from everything. i don't belong in the foreigner WOAHHH!!!! culture and i don't belong in the korean (korean) culture. i'm having a lot of seventh grade moments here.

here's a very rough version of my dumb subway man song (remember my seoul missed connection!!?!?) that i recorded on my mac and during which i make stupid faces.

!!!

i just finished all of miranda july's short stories.

they were FREAKY.

i read some in class while the kids took tests.

and one was about this woman who started a relationship with her special needs student

because she thought he was the human form of this squiggle who had "entered her" when she was young and they were long lost lovers.

and i was like

oh

this is probably inappropriate

but this book cover is inoffensive

and matches my outfit.

i seriously thought that.

THIS BOOK MATCHES MY OUTFIT.

i'm pretty freakin vain about colors sometimes.

i mean, see for yourself.

also, note the lovely claire giving birth to dinosaurs pose.

(it was the only way to get my whole self in the photo!!! i know it's bad and terrible and unflattering and awkward!!!)

p.s. i've decided to take control of my life!!!

i'm sick of feeling like a little girl -

i'm a full-grown woman now!

all the little kids in my classes think so!

it's time for me to stop waiting for things to happen and just to do them!!!

things that are involved in this growing up plan:

sticky notes

a gym membership

figuring out how to pay bills online

itaewon missions to buy chickpeas and assorted spices

acting mysterious so korean boys will want to hang out with me

i'm cool!

harmony

omurice

=

omelet

+

rice

because i don't want to go outside

i spend a lot of time on the subway. i take the subway even when the bus would be a lot quicker. but i really like the subway. it makes me calm and happy and feel like i'm part of something. and i think it's really beautiful in a strange mathematical way.

these are taken from my roof (above the 15th floor). i like how all the tall buildings look so small from up there.

from the aquarium - ("higher and higher: fishes wonder how the outside water looks like") what??

they also had fish in coke machines and old toilets.

still the "aquarium"??? a lot of "BATUHMANUH!"s whispered by frantic korean children

fancy temple food restaurant (owned by a former monk) with 12 vegetarian courses of rare mountain vegetables etc. and a blurry becca who doesn't look like becca at all. she moves too much.

see? i do things.

and sometimes i even document them.