i messed up

at work.

big time.

like it was dumb and i'm not gonna get fired or anything

but i just was totally careless/retarded and made two big mistakes in one day.

now i feel like shit.

in a way, this job carries with it more responsibilities than a lot of other jobs i could have applied for.

i think i'm ready for it

but i'm just sometimes such a disaster

and i can't get it together.

it didn't really matter when it was just me.

like i'd pay the fine or take the bad grade or whatever - 

the consequences were mine alone to bear.

now, it's like i'm not grown-up enough for this very real job in some ways.

like i definitely mean well and i'm not being lazy, but i just can't always get things right.

i feel like a little kid who keeps spilling milk all over the rug.

i wanted to write about this because it upset me a lot and i needed to "talk to someone" (ha),

so don't be alarmed (*cough* parents)

and i definitely don't need any lectures about this.

i just feel like crap and i don't know how i can be so dumb sometimes.

sorry i don't want to go into specifics now.

i think it will be ok.

i'll just have to kiss a lot of ass this week and pray parents don't complain and this doesn't snowball into something even worse.