clarifications

i was very upset when i last posted and i think understandably so

but i should clear up a few things.

1. in no way whatsoever do i "vent" on my students. i never react out of anger. after class, i get frustrated, and talk to my coworkers and friends about my problems to bounce around ideas, but in class, i always hold it together. i understand that it's not personal. they're not out to torture me - they're just kids! they're testing their limits and i need to show them what's ok and what's not ok. for example, CHEATING is not ok. i simply tell them what will happen if they do something wrong, give them several warnings and then follow through. the tearing up papers thing was suggested to me by another teacher who had taught at my school for three years. in a place where the korean teachers bring poles to class to hit their misbehaving students, i don't really know which way to go with punishment, especially when quiet forms of discipline seem to go unnoticed. i ripped the papers after giving warnings to make an impact - for all the kids to see that i would go through with my word. i need credibility with these kids. it's really unfair to the class to take time out of every day for disciplining the same one or two kids. it's not fair to those kids either if they never take learning english seriously. while i am kind and encouraging and enthusiastic to them, sometimes i have to be kind of nasty for them to understand that i am the boss. in korea, respect is based on age, and since i'm so young (and foreign), some students assume that i'm not serious about my job.

2. no one in korea (NO ONE) knows that i keep a blog. i even protected the one place where i posted this blog linking to my name so that only my college friends (with that college id) on facebook can see. i know that what's on the internet is public, but it's so lonely to never feel like i can speak my true mind. i definitely censor myself at work (i do smile and nod and apologize and hold my tongue, i'm not on a career suicide mission), and i censor myself to my friends here, but sometimes i just want to be able to talk about something without thinking how it will "come off." i know that's stupid and potentially damning/damaging and even a bit selfish, but i just got carried away and i apologize.

 it's a bit frustrating writing to two audiences. i had kept a blog for a long time before this one and felt free to be honest and candid and use strong language because that's how my friends and i talk to each other and it seems totally normal to us. however, i know that different words mean different things to different sets of people and sometimes i forget that i have to censor myself and write to not only my friends (who i feel understand my meaning a little better) but also the potential e-public and more specifically, my family, who i generally wouldn't always talk to in the same way as i talk to my friends.

i am deleting this last post not only because it caused upset but also because i don't really want to be reminded of this time that generally made me feel terrible and misunderstood and totally lonely and cry a lot. the fact that i was misunderstood by not only my big boss but also my family makes it even worse. i really do have a lot of passion for this job and i think that fire came out in the wrong way. i believe in the power of language for these kids - they're so bright and amazing and funny and sweet - and i think they can do great things. as a woman who is constantly struggling with language issues here in korea, i know how important communication can be. and i try to show them that and keep things interesting and fun for them so they'll actually WANT to put in the effort. i think of my teachers who made learning seem easy and even somewhat enjoyable and i try to emulate them, but it's just really hard with cultural differences, a very scripted curriculum, and teaching so many different ages and ability levels. i keep learning from experience and from advice and i think i'm generally getting better, i just had a major misstep.

3. when i wrote the comment about the girl being crazy, know that that was one part of a five-sentence summary that HER PARENTS WILL NEVER SEE. we're told to be honest and clear and then give the comment papers to the korean teachers, who call the parents and phrase the truth into a nice korean way. the teachers who call need to know what's really going on so they can communicate well with the parents. the korean teacher would NEVER say "crazy" to a parent and neither would i. i just said it as a dumb short-hand for "a bit wild" which i'm sure would be in turn translated to "has a lot of energy." really, i did write "she is doing well in class but could do even better if she focused her energy on the course material" on the same comment paper. 

4. i talked to my immediate boss today about talking to the big boss and he said he'd help me set things up and that would be a good thing to do. he really went to bat for me and told the big boss that he thought i was a great person - honest and smart and trustworthy - and i could become one of their best teachers, but i just needed time and experience to understand the school and how things operate. now that i'm clear-headed and not having a major freak-out and thinking i'm going to get deported (that's not gonna happen), i think i can deal with this in a way that will make both my bosses and me feel better about my place at the school.