techinically, he broke up with me but i was thinking about doing it today too.
neither of us really wanted it - we both wept (i mean, seriously, he sobbed when he found a newly begun scarf, asked about it, and i told him i was making it for him) and used a copious amount of paper towel tissues and hugged a lot.
don't "i told you so" but honestly, just the age difference was too much.
he said he thought i needed a younger boyfriend.
and i didn't want that to be true, but it is.
and he needs an older girlfriend.
there were a lot of precursors to this and a lot of times he hurt me kind of by accident and made me cry and then we both felt guilty and confused.
but it's terrible and hard and heartwrenching and tragic because we actually love each other (as hard as that may be to believe for a two month relationship).
i think he's an incredible man and i really do care about him, but it just couldn't work out.
i knew it wasn't gonna be forever, but i didn't know it would end so soon or that it would be so so sad.
i felt so alone and trembly in my lonesome grief
so
i went over to tanya's, and her hubby was gone,
and she gave me tea and quesadillas and then wine and roughly six hours of comfort and talking and i don't feel like my guts are spilling out all over the floor anymore.
i feel like it's gonna be ok.
and that's what m-k said to me:
"you're a beautiful young girl and you have your whole life ahead of you.
i don't have the passion anymore and you do and i know you will be happy.
i just can't stand to make you sad anymore.
i know i make you happy but i know i make you sad too and i can't stand it."
and i knew it was true,
but i didn't really care at the time,
because when your heart is breaking, your heart is breaking.
and i know i made him feel inadequate and guilty and i hate that.
and he made me feel needy and demanding and i hated that.
but even now, THE SAME DAY, i already feel like it will be ok
and i'm still glad i knew him and i opened my heart
and it was good while it lasted.
i wish i could spend a day in bed with videos and cookie dough or some other self-indulgent break-up business, but i have to go to work
and it will be ok, but it's not gonna be great.
i'll probably write some songs since i'm sad so i guess that's the upside.
and my parents are coming, so i'll have something to look forward to other than relationshipless bleakness.
thank goodness for tanya, what a savior.
but still, i miss maggie and will and laura r and sewon and all those others who sat there while i cried and always knew what to say to make it feel ok even if they had warned me in the first place (like tanya did, haha).
and with that,
filmed in my hood:
3 comments:
I'm so sorry, I know that you are sad. I've told Kristen, you learn and grow from every relationship. I want to shelter her from heartache, but I know that heartache is a fact of life, and in a weird way, an essential one. It makes us more compassionate and makes us truly appreciate happiness down the road. What you are experiencing is just a precursor to more amazing relationships, probably more heartache, but in the end, a wonderful ever after relationship that you will nurture with all your heart. What makes this nurturing possible are the real life experiences that we take from each past relationship. Geez, I sound like Jack Handy. Love ya!
Sorry to hear that bud. :(
I'd give you a hug if I was there. Go watch "Fight Club" or something to take the anger/sadness out.
I miss you too :(. And I totally wish I could be there and say something wise and comforting, but somehow using a keyboard and writing on blogger just isn't the same :(. I'm so so sorry but I think you are better off having had this experience, even if it had to end and cause you pain. You have such a beautiful soul and I'm glad you've been able to find people to share that with in Korea. Okay I'll stop before I start getting all weepy/corny.
Are you coming home for Christmas? I miss you so much!!!
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