just like a small gnawing sadness
like it's 10 pm and i haven't eaten dinner kind of pang
i think i'm homesick
and this time it's not because i'm all alone or because i feel helpless and retarded (as it was before)
it's because none of my connections here are real or full or blooming in any way.
i like the comfort of knowing people have my back or that i have someone else's place to drop by and to just be able to BE with them.
here, everything is so forced.
i keep spending time with people,
but i'm TRYING SO HARD
and i'm kind of sick of having to work at friendships like this
and since i'm new, i'm the one doing ALL THE WORK with everyone
which kind of makes me feel annoying
i just get so tired
like i'm pretty sure no one's going to ask me to do something tomorrow night,
I AM GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE THE EFFORT IF I WANT TO LEAVE MY APARTMENT
i just want to feel like someone wants to be MY friend!
i want to feel cared for and interesting and all those good things you get and give from and to friends
now i just have to tell funny little stories, ask a lot of questions about other people, and wait?
i think i just don't want to wait wait wait the required time it takes for a friendship to really blossom
i want some soul clickin
whirlwind friendships!
friend love!
i just hadn't really thought about what it would be like to have no roots.
i've never not had roots!
i've never REALLY moved before!
and college doesn't count because there were always people i had known before.
here, no one knows me.
i thought it would be liberating, but it's just hard.
and it makes ME not even know who i am.
2 comments:
It's ok to just chill by yourself at home, to have some me love. People will eventually come to you because you are funny, smart and incredibly entertaining. It just takes most people time to get to the point where friendship becomes a natural thing. You have taken on a very courageous adventure, so congratulate yourself and know that all good things take time.
사랑 당신은 쥐 사랑 치즈를 좋아한다
P.S. That's suppose to mean..love ya like a mouse loves cheese
claire! i'm really enjoying reading your blog and hearing about your adventures! i just wanted to let you know, though, that as someone who's moved around a lot, i've felt this way so many times. i know that doesn't help at all, but i just want to reassure you that these kinds of transitions - though exciting and full of adventure - are never something you can jump right into without any problems. for me, it often has taken a long time - sometimes even 6 months - to feel like i'm a part of the new place. i guess it takes time to find the right people, or to let people reveal to you their deeper or more personal side. you're an awesome person who seems to be making a lot of friends in korea, so i wouldn't worry too much. i think when people have been in a place for a while, they forget what it's like to be new and don't think to extend themselves in some situations. it's tiring, but i feel like you have to sort of pump yourself up and just try to take advantage of every day in some way. but i have a ton of faith in you, and it definitely seems like you're making the best of your time there so far!
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