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i now own a trampoline.

i thought it would make me happy when i have dance parties of one

but it's a dull double-sided happy

like eating a really nice meal you cooked just for yourself.

i printed out some korean recipes to make some nice meals for myself.

i'm making a huge art project from the trampoline box because i get bored at night with having no friends and all.

...but tanya came by last night and said it was a nice seat.

i might get a couch. then i can have a housewarming party and invite the thirty people total i know in this country. (i guess that's not bad.)

tanya and i talked about happy and sad, and alone vs. with another.

i said: "sometimes i see something that makes me really happy - like a child riding a dog like a horse or a young soldier boy holding hands with a grandma, but then i get lonely or homesick because i think about saying, 'isn't this great?' or about which of my friends would love to see this."

she said: "well, you probably wouldn't notice these things unless you were alone."

DAMN.

she said: "i'm never really happy. but i'm never really sad. i'm content, but i'm not satisfied."

i said: "well, that's the best way to be! when you're totally complacent, you might as well be dead, you'll never grow or learn or explore or try to improve yourself again."

she said: "yeah, i guess! but all these people, these characters in books and movies, have such big highs and such big lows, so much passion! i just am not like that! and they always get what they want. they win in the end."

i said: "it's only interesting to watch that because it's dramatic! but it's not always fun! and people like that wouldn't be able to survive without more grounded people to keep them in check. for me, i hate when i get that way! i think a little bit of sadness along with general happiness is best. if i weren't a little sad, i wouldn't be writing songs and going outside to find musical fountains and reaching out to people...like you! i'd just be chatting on aim in my apartment with a smile pasted on my face." 

so it's good that i feel kinda bad, because it's making me DO SOMETHING.

and if i were really really sad i would just do nothing.

and if i were really really happy i would just do the same things with the same people all the time.

and then i would feel unfulfilled and boring and sad and so it goes.